The Other Two Week Window

A few months ago, College Humor Superstar Jeff Rosenberg wrote an article (collegehumor.com/article:1729208) about the Two Week Window – the time you have between meeting a girl and sealing the deal, before you end up with life in the “Friend Zone” and no parole.

But in honor of CH’s Orientation Week, it’s important to remember the OTHER

Two Week Window. This one…well, it’s like Christmas, really. It’s the best chance you’ll have all year at tagging freshmen hotties before they’re tainted by people not as cool as you. Yes my friends, it’s the Freshman Two Week Window – and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the process, please allow me to explain.

In the beginning of each and every Fall Semester, freshmen girls flock to colleges and universities across the country with one goal – to party their smoking hot eighteen-year-old asses off. Now, while people like me may consider sitting alone in a room pounding a six of Natty while watching Death to Smoochy a party, most freshmen females don’t share that mentality. No, to truly party, you have to know and hang out with other people. And this is where the FTWW kicks in to full gear.

For the first two weeks of school, freshmen girls will leave the doors to their rooms wide open – an invitation to anyone who wants to walk in and “make some new friends”. In a nutshell, it’s the only time you’ll have all year to just randomly walk into a chick’s room and not look weird or out of place. On any given night, you can check out between 35-40 girls who all actually WANT you to be there!

But the FTWW is a fleeting thing – after two weeks, the girls have already made most of their friends, and the doors slam shut. That’s why it’s wise to make your mark early, before some meathead gets to them first and carries them off to the realm of unattainability. Here’s a few pointers to make sure you get the most out of the event:

Start on the Middle Floors
Most guys are not going to want to waste any time, and they’ll jump right into the first room they see. Other guys try to offset that by starting on the top floor and working their way down. By starting on the middle floors, you increase your chances of being the first one into the territory.

Don’t Commit Too Soon
If the chicks in the first room you go to are digging your shit, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ABORT THE REST OF THE MISSION!! Chances are, you aren’t reading the girl properly, and the last thing you want is to be stuck in her room watching Next Top Model on opposite couches while your friends are tearing it up on the other side of the floor. No matter how interested in you a girl seems, keep moving until the two weeks are up.

Bring Booze
It doesn’t matter if you’ve got alcohol in your room…they’re not going to leave. If you come bearing gifts of Smirnoff Ices and a bottle of something, you have fulfilled their wishes of having the party come to them.

Look for a Militant Roommate
Lots of girls hate their roommates, and that works out in your favor. Chicks are naturally catty and evil, so instead of ignoring their housemates, they will go out of their way to make that person miserable. Finding a chick with a militant roommate is a gold mine, because the good looking chicks will want to act extra slutty in front of them.

Remember That Two Weeks Doesn’t Last Forever
The farther along in the FTWW you are, the harder it gets. Strike early and strike hard. Go into this time period with a game plan. Be aware of your surroundings – if some other guys come in to a room and are outshining you for whatever reason, leave. I can’t stress that enough. Accept the fact that you’re going to fall in love on five different occasions – wasting too much time on one girl is the kiss of death.

So go forth, young men. Be the first to show these young ladies a good time. This is your season. You’ve earned it. Now go get ‘em.