The Lost Book of "Plato's Republic": Drunk Socrates

The following is an encounter between the great philosopher and political theorist, Socrates, and his esteemed colleague, Glaucon. Like any other day, the two are passionately engaged in intellectual conversation, only this time something is different: Socrates is clearly wasted….but not without reason of course.

Glaucon: Socrates, why is it on this day you’ve decided to engage in the act of drinking wine in excess?

Socrates: Well Glaucon my friend, it appears that I was wrong about discovering reality through reason. Well…I wasn’t wrong, for the condition of being wrong does not apply to me. It appears all the idiots I have been conversing with lately have clouded my supreme judgment…it’s your fault Glaucon.

Glaucon: That may be so, but surely there must be a reason why you are drinking the very thing you claim is an evil to man.

Socrates: Very well. Glaucon. Please with all your rational thought and reason explain to me: what is reality?

Glaucon: Surely I know not how to answer such an abstract question using reason. It is not possible to rationally explain reality.

Socrates: So you agree that there is no way to discover reality using reason and rationality?

Glaucon: Well, I suppose that is what I’m saying.

Socrates: So then you also agree that if one cannot discover reality through reason, than the only alternative that remains for understanding ultimate truth is from an irrational approach?

Glaucon: Certainly.

Socrates: Well, what does wine do to the mind?

Glaucon: It impairs the mind in making rational decisions.

Socrates: Precisely. The only way to discover the true meaning of the universe is by drinking wine as much as possible. Because the more one drinks, the further away from rational thought one strays. And the further away from rational thought one strays, the closer he becomes to irrational thought, which is the key to understanding the universe. Do you agree?

Glaucon: Oh yes Socrates! You are completely right! Getting drunk beyond comprehension holds the key to discovering truth! You are surely the wisest among all men in Greece!

(Socrates begins laughing hysterically)

Glaucon: Socrates? Are you quite alright?

Socrates (still laughing) : Glaucon, my friend, I was fucking with you. I’m drunk, how in the hell would you expect me to even know what I’m saying?! You know you should really lighten up, you think way too much. Have a drink.

Glaucon: Pardon me my dear Socrates?

Socrates: I…was…FUCKING with you, Glaucon. Now shut up and have a drink. And don’t call me “dear”, you sound like a fairy when you talk like that.

(Glaucon reluctantly accepts Socrates’ drinking pouch and takes a swig)

Glaucon (coughing violently): Socrates! What is in this nearly deadly concoction!?

Socrates: I’m not sure, I took it from the blacksmith on my way over here. What I do know is that it is a magical drink. Drink enough and you will possess the power to transform females from monstrous to shapely, hideous to beautiful. You will even be able to defy the laws of science! Lift even the heaviest of rocks. Defeat any foe in hand to hand combat you challenge.

Glaucon: Well then! May I have more of this magical drink?

(Glaucon begins chugging the wine pouch)

Socrates (laughing): Yes Glaucon, I was just about to suggest drinking as much as you can. The gods know that in order to make Mrs. Glaucon sexually appealing, you’ll need every wine pouch from every blacksmith in Athens, and then probably have to travel to Thebes to ask for more. Only then, may you derive sexual pleasure from that boar you call a wife.

Socrates: Anyways, the main point of drinking wine is to get laid my friend.

Glaucon: Come again?

Socrates: You know. Get some ass from a woman you feel no real emotional ties to.

Glaucon: …

Socrates: What the Shepherd does to his sheep when no one is watching!

Glaucon: AH! YES I SEE NOW!

Socrates: Why did that strike a note with you Glaucon?

Glaucon: Well, I…

Socrates: Do not finish that statement Glaucon. Anyways, let us go to the brothel and witness the powers of alcohol unfold before us. Or in your case, the male bathhouse, that seems more your style Glaucon does it not?

Glaucon: Indeed.

Socrates: Do you just blindly agree to everything I say?

Glaucon: Certainly.

Socrates: Tool.

Glaucon: Agreed.