I noticed that the only survival guides this week have been for undergrads. Just because we Grad Students are older, it doesn't mean we are more socially adept or wise in the ways of interacting in an academic setting. Here are a few guidelines to be followed:

1. What with all this "being responsible adults" our alcohol tolerance is now only a fraction of what it once was. HOWEVER, you must be ready at all times to out-drink the Asians who show up at any given social function.Don't worry; this won't require much practice or much loss in soberness.

2. You must also be able to out-drink your pregnant wife at any social function.

3.You must be ok with younger students sleeping with your wife.Hey, if you are going to be the loser who brings his wife to a social function instead of chasing after undergrad ass, you deserve to be cheated on.

4.Always wear a condom when fucking freshman (no, "making love" is not an acceptable term when at school).High School has changed a lot in the 10-15 years since we left it.And, given our age and overweight-ness, we are probably fucking the easy, drunk ones.I know I am.

5.Grad students, just like all other students on campus, are exempt from the whole "age of consent" law.Statutory rape is a real problem…but only in the real world.We are no longer in the real world.

6.NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING BABIES.PUT THE PICTURES AWAY, BITCH.

7.Only foreigners go to orientation week.

8.Only Asians make all A's.

9.One word for all the ladies – TEQUILA.It's bulimia if you use your fingers.

10.Have a good time.This is not real.This is school.