Typical Conversation with a Douchebag Alum

You: (Stumbling out of the bar at 2 a.m. and bumping into a familiar face from your past in the middle of Main Street) “What’s up dude, didn’t you Graduate?”

Alum: (Deeply inhaling the last of his cigarette and flicking the ashes towards the ground) “What up bossman, yea back in ’03.”

You: (Confused) “So, what are you up to now?”

Alum: (After screaming obscenities at the girls walking across the street) “Just living the dream. Getting hammered and banging bitches.”

You: (Even more confused) “Are you working?”

Alum: “Yea, I’m working at the (insert campus dining hall here). You should come in sometime when I’m working and get all the free shi*t you want. I’ll just charge you for a water cup.”

You: (Depressed, yet entertained at the same time) “Where the hell are you living?”

Alum: “I’m still living in my frat house. We’re throwing down tomorrow. You should come.”

You: “Wait, you’re still in a frat.”

Alum: “Hell yea man, I’m the Rush Chair. We’re having late-night at our place right now. We’re going to haze those p*ssy pledges.”

You: (Now fully depressed and seeing your ride pulling up to the curb) “Alright man, my ride is here. I’ll hit you up later.”

Alum: “By the way, what is your brother up to now?”

You: (Stepping into the car and reaching to shut the door) “He’s getting married and working on Wall Street.”

Alum: “What a f*cking p*ssy. It must suck to be him.” (Awkward pause) “You think I could get a ride home?”

You: (Rolling down the car window) “Sorry man, we still got two more to pick up.”

Alum: (Taking a cigarette out of his ear and searching his pocket for a lighter in a now empty street) “That’s cool. I’ll just call a pledge. Those f*cking p*ssies.”