Opposing Perspectives: Girls vs. Guys

Through years of extensive research, I have discovered that girls and guys have different perspectives on many different topics. Here are some of the more notable subjects:

-A picture of Liz and her boyfriend tagged on Facebook:

Girl’s thoughts: Oh Liz honey, what are you wearing? Those shoes do not match her outfit AT ALL. A Lily-Pulitzer dress? Is she serious with that? That was so last summer’s style. All that pink, yellow, and green she’s wearing makes it look like the Easter Bunny puked all over her. How did she possibly get that guy? Doesn’t he notice how her left pinky toe is slightly larger than her right, and that she has no respect for herself? She’s a really nice girl, though.

Guy’s thoughts: Wow, Liz is a total smoke-show. Nice cleavage. Do we have a nip-slip here? I think we do! Her boyfriend looks like a punk. That kid seems like he could only bench press a buck seventy-five tops. I could definitely kick his ass.

-Song lyrics:

She feeds him well, his concerns he forgets them
And remembers being small
Playing under the table and dreaming
-Ants Marching, Dave Matthews Band

Guy’s interpretation: This song is pretty sick even though the lyrics make absolutely no sense. I guarantee he was wasted or high when he wrote this song. Seriously, listen to the words: “His concerns he forgets them”. Talking like Yoda, why is he? Miss Teen South Carolina’s speech makes more sense than Dave’s lyrics. The one thing that I do understand is the part about “Playing under the table and dreaming”, where Dave recalls the time when he was little where he would hide under the table at lunch and look up girls’ skirts and dream. Sweet.

Girl’s interpretation: Oh my god this song is about me. It’s like Dave was looking into my soul when he wrote it. Whenever I hear this song it totally brings me back to the summer of my sophomore year after my boyfriend broke up with me. I listened to it on repeat for like, three hours every day on my iPod while working out on the elliptical. The lyrics just totally matched my situation. For instance, the line “Playing under the table and dreaming” is talking about how I am strong enough to get over Jason and how I am much prettier than that slut Kimmy.

-Effective energy saving techniques:

Girl’s thoughts: 1) Turn off all lights when leaving the room. 2) Shut down your computer at night. 3) Avoid driving when you can walk.

Guy’s thoughts: 1) Sleep in past 10:00 am. 2) Avoid walking up stairs. 3) Put fridge within arm’s length of couch. 4) Drive everywhere, no matter how close. 5) Avoid doing stuff.

-Sex and the City

Girl’s thoughts: Sex and the City is an amazing show that accurately depicts the emotional trauma that results from the incredibly difficult and life-altering situations that young women face today, like when your designer shoes are stolen.

Guy’s thoughts: At first I was excited to watch Sex and the City. After all, any HBO show that is on past midnight and has “sex” in the title is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome. Turned out to be the worst porno in history. The first scene was promising, as four women sat around a table and talked about how much they hated men. Nice, I thought, a little girl-on-girl action is coming right up. But instead of making themselves feel better by hooking up, they went shopping for new hand-bags. The girls weren’t even that hot. Seriously that one redhead with the haircut like my little brother looked like she was 40 years old. Who wants to watch a show about four friends who live totally unrealistic lives and spend all their time looking for sex and spending absurd amounts of money? If you want to watch a good show, check out Entourage.