I don't smoke nearly as much weed as I tell people I do, none the less, don't borrow any money to me.
I have HBO, come hang out in my room.
I am a beer snob. I will scoff every time I see you drinking Keystone Light and ask you how you can "drink that piss".
I wear sweatpants and have never touched a woman's breast.
I carry a Nalgene bottle everywhere with me.
There is a 90% chance I will date rape a girl this year.
I will get drunk and lecture you on French New Wave films.
I watch you while you sleep.