How to Get Dumped: Football Season Style

(Guy and Girl are having lunch. Guy says something about the Steelers through a mouthful of cheese fries.)

Girl: So the Steelers are, like, your favorite team?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Why?
Guy: I’m from Pittsburgh.
Girl: So. . .?
Guy: The Pittsburgh Steelers!
Girl: Oh, right. So are the Steelers the best team out of their group?
Guy: What do you mean their group?
Girl: Well, like, who is their biggest nemesis?
Guy: Their nemesis?
Girl: Yeah, which team are they always pitted against?
Guy: (says something about how football teams don’t have just one rival, then something about the Cincinnati Browns and the Cleveland Bengals, and then something about a conference.)
Girl: What do you mean by conference?
Guy: Um. Okay…so there’s the AFC and there’s the NFC.
Girl: The American…
Guy: Football Conference and the National Football Conference. So the Steelers-
Girl: Why is one American and one National?
Guy: Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter.
Girl: Yeah but don’t they mean the same thing? I mean why aren’t they just called AFC1 and AFC2?
Guy: Because that’s not what they are, see before they were-
Girl: Wait, what about the NFL?
Guy: What you mean what about the NFL?
Girl: Where do they fit in?
Guy: What do mean where do they fit in? That’s them!
Girl: The AFC and the NFC are the NFL?
Guy: Yeah!
Girl: Ooooh…okay. So the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Chantels are in the same conference as the Steelers? That’s what makes the teams rivals?
Guy: The Bengals.
Girl: What?
Guy: They’re not the Cincinnati Chantels, they’re the Bengals.
Girl: Oh, like “Walk like an Egyptian!”
Guy: Yeah. Wait, walk like a what?
Girl: So are the Steelers the best in their conference? Is that’s why they went to the Super Bowl year before last?
Guy: (says something about wildcard survivors and playoffs and away games and something about seeds and 3’s playing 5’s)
Girl: So were the Steelers playing people on their own side?
Guy: What?
Girl: On those “away games” are they always playing the teams that are on their own side?
Guy: What?!
Girl: Their side! Their people! The Brown people and Chantel people!
Guy: Bengals! Bengals!
Girl: Sorry! They’re both music groups.
Guy: What are music groups?
Girl: The Chantels, you know, that girl group from the 50’s. That’s why I keep thinking the Bangles are the Chantels because the Bangles are a girl group too. Plus the alliteration: Cincinnati Chantels is much catchier than Cincinnati Bangles. You know?
Guy: What the fuck are you talking about?!
Girl: I’m talking about the Bangles!
Guy: The Bengals! What about them?!
Girl: If the Steelers play them in their away games even if they’re on the same side!
Guy: You mean the same CONFERENCE?
Girl: Yeah, that’s what I said!
Guy: Of course they play against their own CONFERENCE in the PLAYOFFS!!
Girl: Okay! God!
(they eat in angry silence for a moment)
Girl: So. . .are the Steelers the best on their side or not?
Guy: (puts his face in his hands and peaks out at Girl miserably trying to remain calm. He then speaks very slowly as if Girl is deaf and just learning to read lips) Okay, let’s start over. There’s the AFC and there’s the NFC. One team from each Conference plays in the Super Bowl.
Girl: No, no, no I know that already, that’s not what I’m asking!
Guy: Then what? What the fuck are you asking?!
Girl: THE STEELERS!
Guy: WHAT ABOUT THEM?! WHAT? WHAT?! WHAT ABOUT THE STEELERS??!!
Girl: Are they best on their side or NOT??!!

(Guy throws some cash down on table and leaves restaurant. Newly single girl finishes Guy’s cheese fries)