Professor Gerbil: OK, class, you know the drill here. It's the first day, so we're going to go around the room and state a little something about ourselves. Hopefully it won't take long, because I can't wait to get out of here and catch a little alone time with the maid before my ball and chain gets home. I'll start. I'm forty-three, incredibly depressed with my job as a professor, have no interest in teaching you this class whatsoever, and I may be mildly addicted to bukkake videos on the internet [begins to cry softly]. There, that wasn't so bad.. [checks class roster]. Jenny? Jenny Burke, you're up.
Jenny: Hi everybody, my name's Jenny. I'm a junior. As you can see, I'm quite the looker. But don't let my cute glasses and shy attitude in class fool you, because when I hit the bar once this class gets out, I will become a massive slut. Umm.. hmm. I enjoy body shots and/or edible body paint. I think that's pretty much it.
Brad: What's up dudes. I'm Brad, and I play RUGBY! Well, I'm kind of on the team. There weren't any try-outs or anything, it's only intramurals, but I go to most of the games, even though I don't play. All of the team hates me, and you will too. I'll get a D in this class, no matter what it is, because I'm too busy shotgunning Pabst and headbutting my brosefs to do any homework. My college experience has given me mild brain damage. I secretly wish I'd been a tap dancer, and practice every night in front of the mirror.
Professor Gerbil: Thank you, Brad, and thank you Jenny. Very enlightening. Now, Preston? Preston Kennedy, please introduce yourself.
Preston: Hello, my name is Preston.. Kennedy. And I know what you're thinking. The answer is "yes, I AM related." I spent the past summer on my yacht. Well, my dad's yacht. He is extremely disappointed in me as a son. I have never held a job in my life and I'm really not as smart or cool as I make myself out to be. In reality, I'm a classless scumbag with no regard for morals or individuals without money. I really don't have to take this class because my dad gave $200,000 to the university for them to start a fencing team for me. I'll pay you to do my homework.. or convince my dad to stop rejecting my calls. I owe a Cambodian hooker and her one-eyed pimp over ten grand. Take it away, you poor bastard [Preston nods to next classmate].
Charles: I'm Charles, but my friends call me Chuck. Chuck E. Cheese. I am by far the smartest guy in this class, but four straight years of toking the chronic have enveloped my brain in a thick purple haze. I'm actually lost in it right now. I am lost in the abyss, with Rick James [Charles laughs to himself, then looks around uncomfortably]. Is this the caf? I need to go to the caf.
Professor Gerbil: Chuck E. Cheese, are you high right now?
Charles: Yes. What? Yes.
Professor Gerbil: That's what I thought. I can smell you from here please do us all a favor and cut off your dreadlocks. You're Irish, not Jamaican. OK, let me see, let me see.. Barton Fingleborth? Fingerbang?
Barton: It's Finklestein. I entirely lack social skills, have an incredibly annoying laugh, and think that you are all mentally retarded. Compared to myself, of course.. [quickly picks his nose and wipes it on his shirt, then adjusts his large, thick glasses]. I apologize in advance to anyone sitting near me, as I seem to lack any sense of proper hygiene, you will have to excuse MY occasional odors as well. I will constantly raise my hand to answer all questions, actual or rhetorical, sit in the front middle of the room, and softly fart and try to pass it off as Brad's work.
Brad: It's cool, man, farts are fucking awesome. I laugh every time I hear one. You're still a dork, though. [slaps the back of Barton's head]
Professor Gerbil: Brad! Keep your hands to yourself, this isn't pre-school. Although I wish it were. I could go for nap time now.. Speaking of my bed and pre-school, I don't want to keep the maid waiting. I'm due for a spanking. Here is an entirely pointless assignment, due tomorrow, that I won't read. I actually don't even know what it is, I'll just assign you an arbitrary grade. I'm not sorry I didn't get to go all the way around the room, because I won't remember any of your names anyway, and I don't care. See ya tomorrow, suckers.
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