A Day in the Life of Matthew McConaughey

9:30 a.m. Wakes up. Looks in mirror, but something is missing. Takes off shirt. “Alright, alright, alright.”

9:45 a.m. Enters bathroom. Looks in mirror. Flexes. Brushes teeth without toothbrush or toothpaste.

10:35 a.m. Enters McDonald’s.

McConaughey: “Little lady, you still serving breakfast?”

Cashier: “No, we stop at 10:30.”

McConaughey: “Well, it would be a lot cooler if you did.”

Cashier: “Sir, you’re going to have to put on a shirt.”

McConaughey: (Doing squat thrusts on the counter) “That’s what I love about my body, man. I get older, it stays the same age.”

11:30 a.m. Calls Paparazzi

McConaughey: “Bring your crew. I’m going for a run on the beach with my shirt off.”

Paparazzi: “Matt, we already did a four page spread last week of you running with your shirt off. It’s old news.”

McConaughey: “Didn’t you ever see Edtv? The world can’t get enough of me.”

Paparazzi: “Jesus Matt! That wasn’t real. It was a movie.”

McConaughey: (Doing sit-ups in living room) “It wasn’t a movie! It was my life!”

12:15 p.m. Running on the beach. Stops to do push-ups on the sand without using his hands.

Spectator: “Holy sh*t, you’re Matthew McConaughey. How the hell do you do that?”

McConaughey: (Waving his arms) “I see Angels. I see Angels in the Outfield. They give me special powers. You have to believe.”

Spectator: (Laughing) “I totally forgot you were in that movie.”

McConaughey: “I bet you didn’t forget Danny Glover and Tony Danza were in it you bastard.”

1:00 p.m. Right before Kickoff of University of Texas football game. Calls Bookie.

McConaughey: “This is John Anthony, the million dollar man with the billion dollar plan.”

Bookie: “Matt, Two for the Money wasn’t real. You’re down $65,000. You need to stop.”

McConaughey: “Show me the money. SHOW ME THE MONEY!”

Bookie: “You weren’t even in that movie. Stop saying that.”

McConaughey: “Put me down for five thousand. Hook ‘em horns!”

4:00 p.m. Final Score: Texas 17, Marshall 35.

4:01 p.m. (Flexing triceps in mirror) “WE ARE MARSHALL!”

6:30 p.m. Girlfriend comes over for dinner

Girlfriend: “Matt, we need to talk.”

McConaughey: “About my chiseled six pack?”

Girlfriend: “No, I think we should see other people. You really creep me out. We’re having a nice dinner and you’re not wearing a shirt and you smell like you haven’t showered in days. I’m sorry Matt.”

McConaughey: (Doing leg raises on the dining room table) “I see what this is all about. You want to know How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? I can respect that.”

Girlfriend: (Screaming) “You’re movies aren’t real!” Whatever! I’m out of here. Goodbye Matthew.”

9:00 p.m. Hops into bed. Opens up tabloid magazine to a picture of himself on the beach. Flexes stomach. “Alright, alright, alright. That’s what I’m talking about.”

9:25 p.m. Falls asleep shirtless.