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Dan B.

A True Man's Guide to Leaving Class Early

by Dan B. on

If you’ve ever wondered the best way to leave class while proving you have disproportionately large whale testicles, then this guide’s for you!



A True Man’s Guide to Leaving Class Early



1. Violently stuff all materials into your bag. If you do not carry a bag, throw your book at the fattest girl sitting within a seven foot radius. Do not retrieve book.



2. Flip over desk and walk menacingly towards the door. Keep your head bowed and do not look at the instructor. You should also walk with a slight limp. This is very important.



3. You are now at the front of the classroom. At this point, theinstructor should ask, “What in the fuck……do you think YOU’RE DOING?!” Stop walking and turn slowly towards instructor. Make strong eye contact and state matter-of-factly, “My dick hurts.”


4. Smile knowingly at the hottest female in the room and wink. If this happens to be your instructor, kiss her open-mouthed while massaging her ass.



5. You are now free to leave.

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Dan B.

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.