Food Fight- Part the Third

If success could always be measured in percentages and pie charts, then the Luke’s Market raid on Publix would have been extremely impressive to any corporate CEO. The initial bombardment went as it had with the Kroger mission: an extremely successful shock-and-awe campaign followed by the raising of the L.M. flag. The Publix employees were no match for the extremely well-trained, -paid, and -motivated L.M. employees. Still, every campaign has its casualties and in the course of a hasty retreat in the face of the arrival of the night shift, the new produce clerk, Andy Katz, was injured by a succession of Rainier cherries to the back of his head.
Though attempts were made to return for the fallen worker, Luke’s Market employees had to move on. As a result, at ten a.m. the following morning, Andy was tied to a chair in the Publix manager’s office.
“So, my friend,” said the man who, with his accent and a name like Klaus, could only be a German immigrant. “There is only one way out of this situation. Tell us the prices of your employer. That is all.”
Andy spit on the ground, his slightly bruised head throbbing weakly. “Go choke on a rotten artichoke, you tie-wearing son of a bitch.”
The manager smiled. “Clever, though it is truly a shame to hear you speaking in such a manner.”
“They’ll be back for me,” said Andy.
Klaus chuckled. “That would mean a daylight raid. None would be so stupid to attempt that. You see, friend, your employers are too few to—”
At that moment, the sprinkler system kicked on and orange liquid spewed out of the sprockets. Klaus tasted the liquid. “Orange juice?”
A watermelon crashed through the window and a girl wearing a cashier’s uniform ran into the office. “Sir! They’re using juice warfare! Our customers are overcome by freshness!”
“Those bastards,” said Klaus before an extremely well-organized Fuji apple barrage knocked him unconscious.
Andy’s supervisor entered the office holding a grapefruit and price gun in his hands. “Come on, Andy. Time to head out.”
“You came back!”
“‘Course we did. Who do you think we are: Food Lion? We have to plan against Wal-Mart, time is running short. Oh, good news; The mom and pop stores are joining our crusade.”