Phone Calls with Your Family

(You pick up the phone on a Saturday morning)

Mom says: You sound tired, honey.

Mom means: How much did you drink last night?

You say: Yeah, I’m not too bad.

You mean: What I drank last night would have killed dad.

Mom says: Well did you guys go out alone?

Mom means: You didn’t meet up with that slut last night to have sex, did you?

You say: Yeah, it was pretty much a boys night out.

You mean: Yes and it was filthy.

X X X
(Your Dad calls you after class)

Dad says: So how was your week?

Dad means: Did you get a Goddamn job yet?

You say: Oh it was pretty good.

You mean: No and I’m out of money so you better send more before I break your hip and put you in a retirement home, old man.

X X X

(You call your Grandma on a Sunday afternoon)

You say: Hey grandma, how have you been?

You mean: Mom, didn’t tell you about the filthy sex I had?

Grandma says: Oh honey it’s just so good to hear your voice

Grandma means: I hope you wrapped it up…