Rush Hashanah

Welcome. You’re all here today because you want to be a member of Alpha Epsilon Pi. I’m assuming you all know this is the Jewish fraternity, but university code says we can’t openly discriminate against those who wish to rush. Having said that, Meeshocky, what’re you trying to pull? I can smell a dirty Palestinian a mile away. Go smoke hookah somewhere else. Get the hell outta here.

You too Chen Li. We know you only want our Morgan Stanley connections. Not happening, pal. Hit the road.

As the rest of you know, this is the Jewish New Year, so let’s get things started right. You obviously want to join this fraternity for it’s countless perks. I’ll just highlight some quickly in case you didn’t already know. But before I start, Anthony, the exit is over there. That nose may pass in some places but not here. I can taste the proscuitto stromboli twenty feet away. Leave the stromboli, take your ass outta here. Is that the Godfather line? Doesn’t matter. Leave.

Let’s start with a couple notable alumni. I’ll just list a couple randoms. Samuel Zell, real-estate entrepreneur, co-founder and Chairman of Equity International, a real-estate private equity firm. Sanford Weill, Co-chairman, Citigroup. Fred Silverman, Independent Producer, Former President NBC Television. Abe Saperstein, Former owner of Harlem Globetrotters.

Speaking of the Globetrotters, Jackson, get out of here. And don’t give me that black Jew sh*t. I’m hip to your smooth jive. Do you even know what Rush Hashanah is about? It’s the beginning of an epic new semester. The Feast of Trumpets. The blowing of the ram’s horn, the mother f*ckin shofar! Why haven’t you left yet?

Ron Popeil, Inventor, Infomercial Producer, Owner, Ronco Industries. Loved those infomercials. Very informative. Set it and forget it. That’s our motto. I just had it changed.

So for those of you left, Rush Hashanah isn’t just one big party and that’s what you guys need to understand. There’s more to it. It’s a time for personal introspection and prayer. No alcohol. We’re staying dry. You ever have an apple dipped in honey. Shit is epic. A nice granny yellow soaked in that savory liquid is enough to make any full grown gentile erupt with orgasmic euphoria. That’s what the frat’s all about. A constant orgasm of the mind and body. It’s gonna be a sweet year. More apples and honey in the kitchen. Spread some of that honey on the challah, blow your mind.

It’s not just the beginning of the new year for us guys. Our lease is up. Pass the basket around. We need money. Just kidding, but that brings me to my next point. Our endowment fund. Sick. We could buy and sell the black fratnerity ten times over. Sorry Jackson, didn’t know you were still here. Leave.

This is the day of judgment. Only one of you is getting a bid. Mordecai, you’re in. Here’s your bid. Please leave, Jackson.

Challah at your future brothers,

Sal Ivanwitz, President