Staff Picks

Dan Gurewitch

Your Textbooks Rewritten as Erotic Novels II

by Dan Gurewitch on

EARTH SCIENCE: The melting ice trickled down the mountain’s spine, at once cool and warm, the sensation causing the mountain to gasp sublimated water vapor. The sun beat down on the trees, and the trees reveled in the sweet intersection of pain and pleasure, beginning to sweat. “Evapotranspiration,” whispered the sun, soft yet in control. The trees’ sweat droplets condensed, clinging to each other in a hazy airborne dance of lust. The clouds grew in the sky, trembling slightly, the tension unbearable – then, with a roar, they precipitated. Mother Nature got up to clean herself off, ready to start again.
MARXISM: Their love sounded so good on paper, but now Marx and Engels were faced with the reality of bare flesh pressed against bare flesh, their proletarian members waiting to be emancipated from the shackles of their capitalist trousers. Their role-playing grew vicious – “Exploit me! Alienate me!” screamed Engels as he rejected feudalist and capitalist ideals, surrendering himself to Marx’s bourgeois tyranny. At last, their love wasn’t just theoretical – they stared into each others’ eyes as the workers of their world united. Almost immediately afterward, they collapsed.
SAT PREP:
1. His approach : her bed :: Japanese planes : Pearl Harbor

2. Her legs : his torso :: drawbridge : approaching seafaring vessel

3. His tongue : her Lotus flower :: Frodo : Middle-earth

4. Her orgasm : the neighbors :: Spring : hibernating bears


AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDIES: [excerpt from the last sentence of the last page] …and she knew that after where she’d gone, she could never go back.


Missed the first batch of erotic textbooks? Check them out here.
See More
Like this Article
URL Close
Dan Gurewitch

Dan Gurewitch

View Profile
Recent Articles
More
uPick
I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
Up +10 Down
Skinny biking

After a night (more like during) of heavy drinking, my friend and I were riding bikes around our little island town in the Florida Keys. We rode past a balcony of girls who began hollering and whistling for us. we stopped around the corner, which was the last sober or sound decision we made that night. We decided it would be in our best interest as well for the sake of... Read More » humor, to do one more lap around that particular block, only without any clothes on. My friend went first, shooting around the block and disappearing behind the corner. I followed behind only to realize as I was turning the corner that I was riding directly in front of the headlights of a god damned cop car. I began hauling ass (still naked) through this residential neighborhood eventually ditching into someone's front yard. The cops spotted my bike and flashed the spot light on my very white ass. I came out with my hands up. After an hour of sitting on the curb sans clothes, while more and more cops showed up ( several of which I went to High School with) They only charged me with going down a one way and running a stop sign. My friend made it one more block further than me and made it home free.