Five Things that Should be Brought Back from the 19th Century

Tar and Feathering: Shaming today just isn’t what it used to be. I mean come on. So you get a little sharpie on you, big deal, it washes off. A real man knows that ultimate humiliation only comes from the searing pain of hot tar followed by the utter degradation of being covered in feathers. Maybe this time Johnny Douchebag will think twice about going shirtless at the party and passing out in your bed.

Crazy Facial Hair: Do you think historians will be impressed when they look back upon our generation and see chin straps and half goatees? Hell no. Everyone knows the amount of facial hair is directly proportionate to your manliness. Why not connect the side burns to the moustache for that true sense of empowerment. Throw in some wax and a 2 foot top hat and the world is yours.

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Dueling: The ultimate way to settle disputes. No more of this uncivilized yelling bullshit. Simply remove your glove, slap your opponent, and prepare to walk 10 paces and shoot. The only rule is it would have to be done with flint locking pistols.

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Corsets: They make girls’ boobs bigger and waists smaller while simultaneously degrading woman. Need I say more?

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Anti-Irish sentiment: Goddamn whisky swillin’ micks.