So you want to be a Player

It’s hard, America. Being a naturally born player takes a lot of work, let me tell you. As my associate will inform you, “playin’ ain’t easy, just ‘cause we make it look easy doesn’t mean that any bum off the street can just up and decide to be a playa.” Truer words were never spoken. In this world there are only two types of people, the players, and the wannabe players.

Let me tell you what it takes to live just one day in my shoes. And we aren’t talking just any shoes, we’re talking loafers. Which brings us to the topic of fashion sense. Not just any clothes will do, as you can probably tell. Loafers must be worn at all times. A true player is a hat person. I prefer the “newsie” hat, but it is up to everyone with aspirations as high as mine to find their own style. My fashion sense is still developing, but let me give a word of warning: cuff those pants like there is no tomorrow.

It isn’t just the sense of style that makes the player. There’s a certain attitude that must be adopted in order for things to go just right. The player mentality is the attitude that I am the best of the best. Without me, the world would be a lot less wonderful. Then there’s the smoothness, which, almost like Zen, helps keep everything cool. The player mantra consists of two clauses. If it happens it happens, and I am the man.

In my life, I’ve found that smoothness also translates into what a player does for a woman. I’m not going to get into anything that can’t be published in the paper, but in order to be a player, you have to, have to know how to treat a lady. We’re talking poetry here. If you can write a woman poetry and present it to her like a true master of the universe, then you’ve learned a lot, grasshopper. But you still have a long way to go. Make sure you use a lot of metaphors, and remember the player mantra, otherwise you might find yourself alone. Or worse, you’ll get slapped.

Being a player is not just about interaction with women, however, it is a way of life. It means keeping your cool at all times. It means looking at the world through eyes that take in everything. If you can’t balance your finances, women, recreation and last but not least your schoolwork, then something is wrong. A player keeps everything under control, everything to a maximum level of smoothness.

Now, I have imparted on you some of my worldly advice. There is one last thing you need to bear in mind, being a player requires a level of skill that one must be born with. Thanks to my incredible lineage and genealogy, I am one of the chosen few. No questions asked.