Hierarchy of Cracking Joints

Level 0: “Eeeeeww!”

“Eeeeew! Stopitstopitstopit! Ugh, you know, I heard cracking your knuckles like that is eventually going to give you that disease… arthrighteous or boneitis or whatever. I read it in Cosmo or something. Ugh, just stop it, okay? I mean, seriously, c’mon. Please?”


Level 1: The Basic Knuckle Popper

crack pop “AUGHHHH yeah. I pop my knuckles. What of it? Does my ‘tough guy’ image upset you? Wikipedia said cracking knuckles was associated with a ‘tough guy’ image. Gosh, I hope I don’t break anything. squip AH! That one didn’t sound right!”


Level 2: The Advanced Knuckle Popper

“Let’s see… right index pop, right middle pop, right ring pop, right pinky pop, right thumb… right thumb… RIGHT THUMB… POP there we go. Oh hi. Did you hear my routine? It’s pretty regular. Sometimes I gotta yank on my fingers in random directions to get them to pop like that. But I gotta do it! Why? Um… my joints feel stiff if I don’t. Hey, fuck you, I’m not dependent! Leave me alone… left index pop…”


Level 3: The Hand-Assisted Neck/Back Popper

Crrrrrick pop pop pop “Haha female Level 0, you’re so cute, the way you wrinkle your little nose, and smile nervously, and run away because you think I’m disgusting. You probably want to have sex with me already. But that’s not important right now. I got nine solid pops out of my back yesterday, and I’m trying to beat that record. Here goes… crrrrumblepoppopcrickpop pop pop… pop shit, how many was that? Let’s just call it twelve. Fuck yeah, twelve!”


Level 4: The Auto-Steven Seagal

whapAW POW POW “Holy fuck. I am so bad ass. Look at all those people staring. They’re so jealous. They’re all like ‘shit, this guy isn’t afraid of anything… look how he cracks his elbows by whipping his arms out like he’s punching someone… some big scary guy or ninja assasin stripper maybe.’ Well guess what, ladies—*cRRRRick* this guy is going to take you on a hot date… after my weekly chiropractor appointment. Fuck I hate that guy.