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105%-O-Matic

105% Issue #33

by 105%-O-Matic on


More nostalgic than the house you grew up in.
I was performing brain surgery once and I wanted to remember something so I made a mental note… by jotting it down on their cerebellum. It said, “Remember to remind patient to convulse uncontrollably.”
-Shawn Pearlman
The Modest Serial Killer
Look guys, I’m just like everybody else – I put your skin on one leg at a time.
-Streeter Seidell
World-renowned mime Marcel Marceau died over the weekend. To honor his passing, let us observe a moment of noise.
-Dan Gurewitch
Giveaways at Joint PBS/Sorority Telethon
- Mugs and Uggs
- Totes Tote Bags
- Syphillis
-Neil Padover
Word Jumbles for Cows
OMO
OOM
OMOOO
-Jeff Rubin
Gmail Prompt or Nerdy Last Words

- Your message has not been sent. Discard your message?
- I will always love you, Liuetenant Uhura! [translated from Klingon]
- Remember me on this computer

- Amir Blumenfeld
If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need it, and if she doesn’t make you wear one you probably should have worn two. Life is full of irony. And sex disease.
-Tom Sunnergren
So it’d be weird if I married my first cousin, I get that. But if I have a kid with my first cousin, then that kid is my first cousin once removed. Which, in my opinion, makes it perfectly okay for me to f*ck it.
-Jake Hurwitz
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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.