Imagined Conversations & Actual Conversations

Imagined

ME: Jeff?
GUY I KIND OF DATED MANY YEARS AGO: Hey Mindy!
ME: How are you? Long time no see.
GIKODMYA: I know! I’m good. You still doing the comedy thing?
ME: Yeah, you still doing the investment banking thing?
GIKODMYA: Yup. (he orders his coffee from the barista) Do you want something? My treat.
ME: Yeah. Latte, skim milk, a little vanilla. Thanks!
GIKODMYA: Well it’s the least I could do after the way I treated you. I was such as asshole.
ME: Whatever, it was soo long ago.
GIKODMYA: You look great by the way.
ME: Thanks! (I take my free coffee) Well good to see you.
GIKODMYA: You too. (he watches me walk away with a wistful one-that-got-away type look)

Actual
ME: Jeff?
GIKODMYA: Yeah?
ME: Hi.
GIKODMYA: Hi.
ME: How are you? Long time no see.
GIKODMYA: Uh, yeah. Right. Long time.
ME: You have no idea who I am.
GIKODMYA: No I know who you are. I just didn’t recognize you at first because…you changed you hair.
ME: Yeah, it used to be blonde.
GIKODMYA: Right!
ME: No, I was never blonde. (awkward silence) It’s Mindy.
GIKODMYA: Oh, Mindy! Oh my god! Hi! Right, Mindy. Hi!
ME: You still have no idea who I am. (he shakes his head) Okay… forget it, this is really awkward.
GIKODMYA: Oh. Oh wait, did we hook up?
ME: Yeah.
GIKODMYA: New Years? 2005?
ME: No.
GIKODMYA: Oh.
ME: It was ongoing.
GIKODMYA: Oh.
ME: For about three months.
GIKODMYA: Oh.
ME: And then you told me you were too busy with work to date.
GIKODMYA: Oh
ME: And then you drunk dialed me numerous times afterwards asking me for “late night bjs”
GIKODMYA: Wow, that’s really lame.
ME: Yeah.
GIKODMYA: Did you ever come over?
ME: No.
GIKODMYA: Oh. (an awkwardly awkward silence) Well nice to see you Mandy.

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Imagined
HOT MUSCULAR ISRAELI LOCKSMITH INSTALLING MY DEADBOLT: So you live here alone?
ME: No.
HMILIMD: You live with roommate?
ME: No, boyfriend.
HMILIMD: Oh, that’s too bad. You are hot.
ME: Oh, thank you. ( I cast my eyes down as if he’s embarrassing me)
HMILIMD: I want to stop screwing in this bolt and screw you right here on your sofa.
ME: I’m sorry I’m can’t. I’m spoken for.
HMILIMD: But I must have you NOW.
ME: No, you have to control yourself! Please, put your shirt back on!
HMILIMD: I beg you, if you won’t let me screw you on your sofa right now, then at least let me install this lock for you without wearing a shirt.
ME: Okay, I guess that’s fair.

Actual
HMILIMD: So you live here alone?
ME: No.
HMILIMD: You live with roommate?
ME: No, boyfriend.
HMILIMD: Me too.

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Imagined
ME: Good morning!
BOYFRIEND: Good morning! I’m so glad we set the alarm early so I could pleasure you before I have to go to work.
ME: Me too! And isn’t it great that we both got a full 8 hours of sleep and are feeling refreshed and energized.
BOYFRIEND: Yeah!
ME: (lots of orgasms later) Uh oh, looks like we’re both going to be late today.
BOYFRIEND: Oh well. One more time?
ME: Sure!

Actual
ME: Uhhhh, turn it off!
BOYFRIEND: You.
ME: No, you.
BOYFRIEND: You’re closer.
ME: Fine!
BOYFRIEND: Why is it going off now?
ME: We set it early.
BOYFRIEND: Oh, right. You wanna? Or you wanna sleep?
ME: Okay, yeah, okay.
BOYFRIEND: Wake up.
ME: You wake up.
BOYFRIEND: I’m up.
ME: Me too.
BOYFRIEND: Okay, roll over to me.
ME: No, you roll over to me.
BOYFRIEND: No, you roll over to me.
ME: Okay. (he farts) Ewww, not under the covers!
BOYFRIEND: It’s that Indian food we had. (I fart) Aw, come on!
ME: You did it first!
BOYFRIEND: Well yours smells.
ME: Does not! Yours smells.
BOYFRIEND: Well let’s wait until the smells go away.
ME: Okay. (10 seconds later) Uh, it smells!
BOYFRIEND: I’m resetting the alarm.
ME: Okay. (we both go back to sleep.)