No joke, when I was eight I saved up three hundred dollars to buy a Sega CD. For those of you who don't remember the Sega CD, imagine a bulky, obnoxious piece of f***ing s*** add-on for the sega genesis console. Bro, seriously, it was a piece of s*** man. Anyway, I was eight and I started saving 300 bones. This took me three and a half years. I cut lawns. I met with men in parking lots. I slung crack and the X.

fuuuuuuuuu*******************************

I purchased the Sega CD Model 2 gaming unit ($229.99 USD) from a local Sears and immediately locked myself in my room forever. Seconds in, I realized Sewer Shark was unplayable. All I could make out were pixels and rats I was supposed to blow away with yellow pellets or whatever while some dude kept screaming at me from the bottom of the screen.

The only thing I enjoyed about the Sega experience was the startup screen where the Sega CD logo would frolic through space. I have no idea what Sega CD has to do with f***ing space but I was enraptured. I enjoyed this because I almost forgot about my home planet that created said abomination of black plastic and failure.

My childhood was ruined yet I defended the Sega CD ardently. In third grade,MADkids had the Super Nintendo. I secretly really wanted the SNES and secretly abhorred my decision in buying the CD. I would often lie and talk about rainbow road and other nuances of Super Mario World like I'd been there and s***. I was so frustrated, I started punching holes in my walls and started walking with my head down.

Lunar was cool but I couldn't save my game because there were problems with the unit or whatever. I had enough RAM but I just couldn't save. I always made it to the weird forest and then gave up forever.

Something inside turned sour. I went outside with the sega CD tucked under my arm. I seriously took a hammer and smashed that sumbitch into a hundred something black particles in my driveway. I then crushed the pieces under my keds and screamed violently while parents covered their children's eyes and the ice cream man sped off.

I couldn't help but wonder…who gave this the green light? Who thought Dracula Unleashed was a good idea? What intern actually let Sewer Shark onto the shelves? I wanted to find this man and bludgeon him. Fourteen years later, I own a Super Nintendo. I've been through rainbow road. I've laid banana peels and green turtle shells. No joke, I've never bought another sega console.

there's a Sega CD IN THE BRIEFCASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!