An Analysis of Flag Football Heroes

If you go to a normal school, flag football is by far the most popular intramural sport on your college campus. Everyone thinks they’re the shit when it comes to football and what better way to prove oneself than by playing a game that has the same rules, minus the hitting, size requirements, and general structure? The following are some of the characters you can expect find on the field, and maybe even on your team!!

O-Line/D-Line Player: This is the fat or jacked player whom everyone else on the team decided was the guy to play “that smash-mouth football this team is lacking.” These players are probably the only ones with actual football potential; unfortunately flag football linemen are relegated to backing up quickly with their arms behind their back. You could play flag football for the rest of your life and I bet you’d never hear somebody say that Team Cocoa Leaf had “great pocket protection,” you would hear a lot of Brett Favre/ Jerry Rice jokes though.

The Choker: Who knows why this guy even decided to play, but that’s beside the point, he chokes on every single play. Whether it’s a dropped pass, a ball thrown directly to the ground, or, and I don’t even know how this happens in flag football, a fumble, he is guaranteed to suck and then flash a frustrated face followed by a timid “my bad dude.” The big mystery behind this player is his psychology. Although flag football is the pinnacle of athletic prowess, NOBODY FUCKING GETS HIT. Maybe he’s too homophobic about people grabbing at him below the belt but he’s still a complete dud. Do the rest of the grid iron warriors a favor and pull your own flag.

The Route Runner: Oh, you were running a slant? I thought you said deep out, or corners, or was it just an option? It’s news to this player that routes are only effective when somebody else knows what the hell you’re doing. As far as flag football is concerned, every “route” is an option. And by option I mean run as far away from the quarterback as fast as you can and then turn around.

Play Caller: A lot similar to the Route Runner, the Play Caller has Madden/Football Bench knowledge that is beyond reproach. Keeping with the “beyond reproach” theme, this field general is immune from all blame. On his own 5 yard line with 3 seconds left , Flag Manning with call a huddle, audible, change the snap count, and then throw a 10 yard pass to Route Runner, who’s run his Flat to perfection. Field vision? Absolutely.

Black Dude on White Team: Holy shit, you’re fucked. This kid is decked out in Under Armour, actual football cleats, and gloves. If you can’t recognize this player, or are color blind, look for the NFL Superstar style dreadlocks. There’s not much else you can say about this player because, for all intensive purposes, he’s the shit at this non-sport. He’s faster than you and he has a 36 inch vertical, but play fair because sportsmanship is the name of the game and pass interference is real call, for some reason.

Please note that all of these titles could be categorized as “The Guy Who Takes It Too Seriously” but, since there’s no Super Bowl or cash reward, you have to respect the fact that they’re out there playing for guts and glory, maybe not so much guts though.