Opening a Beer

Level 1: Bottle Opener
You need to open that brew? I got you, dude. Just so happen to carry an opener on my key chain. See that big key right next to it? ’92 Honda Civic. Modded. Me and my boy Trevor riced it out to look like the new 3 Series. Trev’s step-dad runs an auto body shop.

Level 2: Lighter
Check this out. I’ll open your bottle with this lighter. Ever see this before? It’s pretty sick. I just angle it up like so… get the leverage working in my favor and pop goes the weasel. Drink it. I’m also indirectly telling you that I smoke. Marlboro Reds. Those long and slims will kill you twice as fast. Pretty chill, huh?

Level 3: Table
Does no one have an opener? Oh man, this sucks. We have all these beers and nothing to open them with. Is this an old coffee table? I think it is. Let me just angle the cap like so… and bam!

Ok, that took a pretty big chunk out of the table and my hand is bleeding a little, but it’s not like a family heirloom or anything. Oh it is? Dead grandma? Well it’s already ruined so one more BAM! And it’s off!!! Foaming pretty bad here. Drink it!

Level 4: Piece of Paper
Get a load of this. I can take a piece of paper, fold it a bunch of times and use it as a bottle opener. I saw it in a video online and now I just use it as a party trick. Ow, goddamn paper cut! You know why paper cuts hurt so much? It’s because the blood doesn’t clot I think. Gets me mad biddies though ‘cause it’s just so pimp.

Level 5: Teeth
Just lock the cap behind your molars and chomp down, then leverage it and rip it as hard as you can out of your mouth. It’ll take a couple tries when you’re first learning. Just keep pulling. A little more. Try biting down harder. Harder! Chipping your tooth isn’t necessary, but recommended. Plus it looks pretty badass when you take that first swig and spit out a mouthful of toothy blood.