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Daniel Foster

I love syrup on my waffles.

by Daniel Foster on

The only thing I like better than eating at a breakfast restaurant at 1:00 AM is spray painting “Free Candy” on random, windowless vans. Learning the sanitation grade of late night breakfast restaurants is like learning that Santa Claus doesn’t exist at age 5. Does it really matter that the waffle iron is the recent nesting ground to crunchy arachnids? Hell no, I’d like another cup of coffee.


One token of advice: if you’re going to such a restaurant, tip the waiter decent or better. Two rules of life: Don’t let K-Fed raise children and don’t piss off your waiter. Both the children and the waiter are likely to hold grudges.


Talking to the waiter is fun because he resembles a DUI fool trying to talk his way out of handcuffs. At the police station. In a cell. It’s too late buster, no matter how many times you sputter “sorry” or “thank you” after the slightest interaction with me, it won’t make up for the hot coffee dripping down the side of my mug. Or, reverting back to the DUI analogy, it won’t make up for the neighbor’s dead Chihuahua lodged under your BMW. I don’t like Chihuahuas and I don’t like BMW’s and that that’s the only situation the two conjures up happy thoughts for me.



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Daniel Foster

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I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.