Partying 102: At the Party

Prerequisites: Partying 101
Okay, so you made it to the party; hopefully fashionably late, with a bunch of girls, and without any significant-other-drama. Now you can let loose and have a good time. I can’t teach you how to do that, but I still have advice. Here are a few nuggets of wisdom to make sure the night goes smoothly:

At some point, ladies, ditch the high heels
Earlier in the night, high heels can make you look classy. You’re beautiful and more dressed up than everyone else, and you’ll get noticed for it. Fast forward a couple of hours, and you look more like a circus clown walking on stilts. There is nothing funnier than watching a girl walk to the car from the bars in high heels for exactly this reason. I’m sorry but this is the honest to God truth. There is a science to these things, and just as bringing more girls directly increases the amount of fun you have, the amount of alcohol you consume is indirectly proportionate to how well you walk in your shoes. After an hour or two of partying, kick them off and be that awesome chick who is running around barefoot and hammered. Everyone loves that girl.

Don’t be so God damn excitable
There is always one guy at a party who, apparently, is taking unnecessary daily injections of testosterone. He’s the guy that will throw his arm around your neck and tell everyone how awesome you are because you once drove by his highschool, and later on will legitimately question the manhood of anyone who misses a shot in beerpong. Calm the hell down. No one likes this guy because he’s a tool, and they will mock him when he leaves the room.

Tell people you’ve never done something that you actually have
Want to do a keg stand, but don’t want to wait in line? Tell people you’ve never done one. Don’t want to catch herpes from beerbonging after nine other people? Tell the host you want to “try it for the first time.” Want some free liquor? “I’ve never done a shot before.” Want to hook up with a girl completely out of your league? Tell her you’ve never kissed anyone before and then give her the puppy dog eyes. Most of this shit won’t fly past freshman or sophomore year, so enjoy it while you can.

The more filthy and degrading a song is towards women, the more girls will like it
Pretty self-explanatory. Keep it in mind when choosing music. (This topic will be expanded upon in Partying 201: Throwing a Party). Examples: Colt 45 by Afroman, Get Low by Lil’ John, Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry, and Cum Girl by David Banner.

Teaching people new drinking games is almost always a disaster
If you want this to work, disregard the “Come Late, Stay Late,” theory and show up on time. People will still be sober enough to follow your complicated and likely poorly thought out explanation. Also, if the game is already going when more people start showing up, they’ll be forced to learn the game if they want to jump in. If you want to know what it’s like to teach drunk people a new game later in the night, try explaining quantum physics to a group of six year olds. You will want to start tazering people. It’s an excercise in frustration, and really not worth your time.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint
I know this is an overused phrase, but it’s so true, and some people have trouble internalizing it. Again, “Come Late, STAY Late.” It doesn’t count as staying late if you’re passed out in the side yard at 3am with ten penises drawn on your face. Now, there’s no reason you can’t run fast in a marathon, but you’ve gotta save something for the home stretch. Once you get home, you can vomit, pass out, start punching old people, or whatever it is that you do when you get completely obliterated. While you’re at the party, though, you need to hold it together… somewhat. It’s okay to be really really drunk, but when people need to start babysitting you, you’ve lost it. Sometimes it’s not your fault, because you have bad friends who will goad you into doing too many shots. This is forgiveable every once in a while as long as you learn your lesson eventually. Just think, how are you supposed to take advantage of the end-of-night perks if you can’t even walk?
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I know I missed a lot of things, but I plan on covering those things in more detail within some of the upper level courses. Like I said, the next step from here is Partying 201: Throwing a Party. You have to walk before you can run.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Queries? Anything you’d like to see me cover in future installments? Let me know.