The Rules of Cheating

I did it. I’ve had another epiphany. Except it just kept going…

And you all who know me well will begin to read this and quit when you’re half way into it. That’s fine.. Just goes to show how you can’t handle truth. Roast?

After a while, it begins to get difficult to find topics that EVERYONE can relate to besides relationships. AND to all of you who say “I would never take relationship advice” that’s fine. However, just to let you know, I’ve been there and back in the dating scene… Many times. And to watch the people who used to “criticize” and give one “advice” on how to fix it… Well you my friend are stupid. It didn’t work, and just to think, it’s the same thing you keep telling yourself everyday when he/she walk all over you etc… Ouch?

Just like a high school girl loading on the makeup, wearing more mature clothes, dating older men, there is one thing for sure, no matter how different she looks, that ass will get you 10-12 in no time. Just like that embarrassment you call your relationship. As much as you coat it, make it look pretty, and gloat about it.. You’re still screaming yourself to sleep at night.

ANYWAYS, back to the epiphany. Cheating. I love it. Hang with me here. I was just asked by a friend on one of those silly “answer the questions and send back to me”. You know the teenage ones that have 49 pointless filler questions and the 1 do you like me question. I was asked “Would you cheat”. Pretty simple right? Not hardly. Yes I would cheat. I’ve cheated before, I’d cheat again, and I would want the girl to walk in midstroke and run away crying.

Ok, now before you come unhinged and attempt to collect a metaphorical ton of hatred upon me hear this. I would only cheat when you treat me like shit, trash my gifts I buy you, disrespect me in front of yours and my friends, flirt with other guys/girls, try to absolutely control me (big no-no), etc. AND you would have to do these to an alarming magnitude and together. I DO have a soul; I know that sometimes you will do this.
Oh but does that not sound fair? What’s stopping you from doing his too? I’d want you to do this, because if I ever treated you like stated, I want you to break my heart in a terrible way.

Now is there ever a time when cheating is NOT acceptable? Yes! Follow Me!

1. Drunk.
You are being trusted? If I’m not trusted drinking with my friends (only safe haven) then I’d lose my mind. Drunk isn’t an excuse. Quit trying to lie to yourself… This is the foundation to becoming a compulsive liar. Heathen.

2. Area Code.
Different area code? Same lame ass movie line you try to live by without understanding in your feeble mind that IT“S A MOVIE. IT“S CALLED ACTING.

3. Better looking than current sig. other.
Then why is your loser ass with them in the first place? If you’re so hot, why do you have a sig. other?

4. Different Sex.
Seriously? Most likely your sig. other would want in. Not me. If I’m with someone, that’s it. That someone and I. Besides, Gay is ok. Straight is ok. But both at the same time, go to a shrink.
*Women want gay guys. If gay guys want those women also, you might as well get the Kleenex out, loner.

5. Sig. other said it was ok.
To get your ass out of the house so she can roll your b.f.f…. dumb.a.

6. Would never have the opportunity again.
HA! Now you’re gonna have ALOT of opportunities… Ya know… Without that pesky girlfriend.

7. It just happened.
You know what else JUST happens? The clap.

8. MARRIAGE.
WHY? Is she not the same person she used to be? Should have DATED her cake eating ass a little longer and not rushed such a serious commitment. Dumbshit… Cheat on a girl/boyfriend and the relationship ends (hopefully). Cheat on a spouse; you’re an adulterer/adulteress. That’s the difference between jaywalking and rape; to you criminals out there.

WARNING: How I really feel. If you’re not agreeing so far. Just stop.
*I have 0% sympathy for divorces today. I’d say a hefty 65% of you people make me sick. I don’t know, it might just be me but last time I checked, marriage was kind of a sacred thing. If there is a hell, I sure hope that tempting little vixen at the end of the bar is worth it. LET IT WAIT. So many of you act like marriage won’t be there tomorrow morning when you wake up. WELL IF YOU“RE AFRAID OF THAT- MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE GETTING MARRIED? Last time I checked, love is forever, I enjoy being young and free and divorce is, well… How should I put this…? UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE? Well not for her, because she probably has all of your income when it is said and done.
But Matt? How can you put a price on love?
I’m not. I’m educating the costs of divorce.

To sum that above up. There should be laws on marriage. Cause it affects everyone. Trust me; I’ll be paying your WIC or welfare sooner or later. Go ahead and focus on your future so I won’t have to. Then you can make as many ignorant mistakes as you desire!
Just for all this, I know I’ll be blessed with a cheating wife, a group of black babies (figuratively), and a house I’ll be fighting for in a courtroom. Stupid karma…

In conclusion, cheating is how to get out of a relationship in the meanest way possible. Meaning it is like a weapon. Ever heard the saying, “Never point a weapon unless you fully intend on using it”? Well cheating as a weapon, this applies as well. Never play the cheat weapon unless it is a last resort. But if it does come down to using cheating, shoot to kill…
A few more rules for after the cheat has been performed.
-Be sure it is no strings attached SEX. You’ll thank me later.
-You cheated for one sole purpose. Go straight to significant other and confess. They must be the first one to know, otherwise it conflicts validity. I promise.
-Be sure to think of clever way to explain, if it’s the stinker finger, the “come here and watch this”, or a simple coy remark, i.e.- announce you’ve been in a wreck, you rear ended someone. Then replace “a wreck” with “one of your friends”, or whatever. Be sure to be funny though. This story has to hold water and friends do like to test said holding capability.
-Don’t screw yourself over. Be sure to check all scenarios, exits, other routes.
-Be prepared for significant other to confess to tomfoolery as well. Don’t believe her? Ask Tom himself…
-After a hard day of sleeping with your significant others friend, be sure to celebrate with closest friends at local establishment. RULE! First rounds on you, you dragged them up to brag, you pay.
-AND FINALLY If you cannot get anyone to sleep with you besides her (even if) give up. You are officially owned. Sorry.

From me to you, happy cheating! I hope your conscience knows its role!