As Halloween rolls around this year, I found myself once again sitting on my couch trying to think up some costumeideas. After running through well-territory (i.e. ninja turtle, power ranger, Clarence Thomas), I became depressed about my lack of new ideas. Luckily, God createdpot. He also created Sports Center. And these are my costume ideas that have resulted.
Lance Armstrong: Pretty straightfoward. Basically, you dont even need a bike. You need a spandex yellow t-shirt with some numbers on it, gloves, really short shorts and some sunglasses. But theres more to a great Halloween costume than just actual clothing! You have to live the part! I mean sure, twenty years from now you may really want that second testicle but do you really need it? Trust me, you'll be the hit of the party if you give up one of the boys for the "best f*ckin costume of the night bro!"
OJ Simpson: Christmas comes early!!! I thought I would never get my chance to channel my inner Orenthal, but he is back the news and now my costume is relevant once again. The juice is loose baby!!! For this costume, blackface is required, unless your black, in which case its optional. Dress casually a suit, but not too nice. Bloody gloves are a must, and if you can arrange to be dropped off at the party by a slow moving white Bronco, then you are the man. Also recommended: extreme lack of remorse.
Michael Vick: Don't do this one if you're partying with a dog-crowd. In anticipation of future events, this costume should include an orange jump suit with matching hand and ankle cuffs. If possible, get friends to follow you around with signs protesting animal cruelty and ridiculing you. Be careful with this one though gang, if you make yourself look too mich like the real Vick, Falcons officials may try and re-claim $20 million from you.
Tom Brady: This costume is very straight foward as far as actual clothing. Simply a #12 Patriots Jersey, maybe a helmet and shoulder pads if you're really ambitious. This costume is all about attitude. Simply put, act like you are Jesus. Born from the seed of Hercules. You're shit simply does not stink. Talk shit about anyone you want, and do it with a smile. No one is better than you. You are glorious. Grab the ass of every girl you see. You're Tom Brady: that slut should be grateful.
Barry Bonds/Mr. Met: These both involve the same fundamental things: an ENORMOUS head. Pick if your going to be Mr. Met or Bonds based on what coast you live on, or the amount of melanin in your skin.
John Madden: Be legally dead.