I’m a big fan of computers. I’d call myself a technophile, but that suggests I like computers a little too much- People think big words are used by experts.

When computers first came out, they were basically the size of a Sherman tank, but now I can fit one in my pocket. Monitor and all. It makes walking incredibly uncomfortable.

If they’re scaling computers down, why am I still so big? I can’t even use a normal keyboard. I’d like to have a smaller body built so I could actually use a computer. My name would also become a contraction, saving me about a half-second of pointless social interaction. I could use that to eat for almost one more second each day.

In fact, I think computers are getting smaller to save time. If a computer is anything like an hourglass, then it takes a lot less time to use a smaller one, and uses a lot less sand.The obvious advantage to this is lower production costs, which are measured in grains of sand.

My favorite part of a computer is the modem. I know that’s passe, but I love the sound it makes, as I hit it with a claw hammer. Ka-chunk. It’s like music to my ears.