THE GRADUATION SPEECH IF THE BIGGEST BURNOUT IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL WAS VALEDICTORIAN

Hiiiiii guys. Get it? Anyway…You may be asking yourself a lot of, like, questions right now and stuff…and that’s all good. We all look to our neighbors…like…your friends and classmates and junk…not, like, the people who live near you. Well (He stares out in the crowd for a while) they might live near you, actually. Anyway…you probably wanna know some answers to things…unless you paid attention in class and stuff…then you probably have a lot more answers than me. Some of you are gonna travel. Not me, man. I saw that movie Hostel and it was sick, dude. But on a less serious note, what party are you guys going to…’cause I was gonna go to Brian Murdock’s, but I know Lynn Remington is having one, too. You think she’d fuck me? Ummm…sorry, Lynn, I didn’t realize you were here. I think you’re a really great girl, seriously. I’m going to miss a lot of things about this place. Like the chicken taquitos. Most definitely the chicken taquitos, man. Seriously, I should’ve written something down because all I can think about now is those fucking chicken taquitos. (He takes out a guitar) Some of you may know that I play the guitar and sing in my band Tea Bag. Anyway, I thought I’d rock out a second. I mean there’s gotta be like a hundred people here or something…which would totally be my biggest gig yet. (He plays one of his songs. It is awful.) That one was for you, class of 2007!!! Rock and Roll!!! (He catches his breath) If anyone wants weed for the night or needs an adult to buy them beer I’ll be outside after the reception. FUCK YEAAAAHHHH!!!! SEE YOU AT PRINCETON, BITCHES! Seriously, though, I have weed.