The "Mother Clucker"

Once, many moons ago while searching CollegeHumor I stumbled upon a “Mother Clucker”. I was smitten. This Mother Clucker was a hamburger patty, cooked half way though, wrapped in a chicken skin, stuffed with 4 cheese of ones liking, battered and deep fried.

This had to be done. This had to be OUTdone.

After making 3 one pound patties out of pure ground tenderloin we blended with onions and grilled. Upon grilling we cleaned our chicken skin, and wrapped the still raw patties. 4 cheese blend? Why yes, muenster, colby, pepperjack, and mozzerella! The the secret batering technique.

Coat in flour, soak in buttermilk, roll in breadcrumbs, and fry in old bacon grease and straight lard.

The mother clucker (around the size of a tucked midget) was to be consumed. First our blood pressures needed to be recorded..

Now what toppings will cause the most damage on our body? I chose straight butter and mayo with bacon that sat in its own filth..

BLOOD PRESSURE RESULTS

Participant A: 151/88 Participant B: 129/81 Participant C: 131/82

After cluckinization,

Participant A: 125/109 Participant B: 114/86 Participant C: 127/86

The Epilogue

The Mother Clucker was great. It satisfied and stimulated tastebuds I never knew I had. My dipping sauce of choice was the buttermilk ranch. However I did indulge in a vast amount of Louisiana Sauce. So what was the defining moment when I knew I did a number on my insides? I had nightmares… Nightmares of grease-induced death, twins in a hallway asking me to come play, and Gary Coleman threatening me with a rubber hose. Bowel Movements go well as the lard linin just kinda lets everything fall out. (Imagine filling a soft pool with pudding and breaking a side).

So would I do it again? You bet Britney Spears’ blow knowledge I would. However, the next task will be the “Infamous Sliding Mother Clucker”. Made bitesize..

Get clucked.