Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

Here we are, another week, another ‘Ellen’s rescued dog gets stolen by the rescue agency from whence it came’ story. Does it ever end?

Answer: No.
If you enjoy watching Ellen Degeneres weep, then you will love this clip. She’s crying over a dog. Imagine what it’s like when she cries over a pussy.
You knew that was coming. [WWTDD]

Maybe Ellen was really just crying when she saw what our favorite alien ho Jenna Jameson looks like these days. If you were searching for the right word, it’s death. Bitch looks like the walking dead. [Egotastic]

Britney Spears lost all visitation rights with her kids because she didn’t make herself available for her random drug tests. She was too busy locked up in the bathroom of a McDonalds with a pound of coke in her face. [IDLYITW]

She’s blaming the miscommunication on poor cell phone reception at her Malibu house. Because bitch can’t afford a land line – or a fucking carrier pigeon. [DListed]

It turns out Lindsay Lohan’s new boyfriend had a fucking fiance waiting for him when he got out of the ‘hab. He also apparently had a serious drug problem and rap sheet with the popo.

He and his ex got in a major fight about their break up (and her subsequent chat with the National Enquirer) over MySpace in cracked out meth speak.

There’s a very good reason he kicked her ass to the curb though. She looks like this:

[WWTDD. DListed]

Heidi Montag is desperate, but this is old news. Here she is with Spencer shooting a “music video.” Also known as super soft porn. [Egotastic]

On Kim Kardashian’s new reality shit show, her 9-year old sister educates her on how to work a stripper pole. Please don’t find this hot. [NinjaDude]

Mischa Barton has some how managed to make a movie about Russian lesbian lovers look terrible. [Egotastic]

Kid Rock and Paris Hilton are supposedly fucking, which is oh so coincidental because their exes Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon are now married. It’s a good thing for Paris that BJs for Kid Rock count as charity. [CelebSlam]

Rapper T.I. got arrested for having a shitload of machine guns and silencers. Something about this makes him very cool in my eyes, probably because he was going to seriously shoot some people. [CelebSlam]

Through it all, Scarlett Johansson remains unfazed and flawless. Thank god someone does. [CelebSlam]

First,
Kate