A Day in the Life of Carlos Mencia

8:00 A.M. – Carlos wakes up in a giant canopy bed in his LA mansion.

8:01 A.M. – Gets morning wood.

8:02 A.M. – Shows morning wood to wife. Wife rolls over, eats handful of Valium, lapses into blissful Carlos-free coma.

8:20 A.M. – Goes to take a shower.

8:23 A.M. – Takes a shit in the shower, decides this would be good idea for 15 minute skit.

9:00 A.M. – Watches old episodes of Chappelle’s Show while eating breakfast.

9:10 A.M. – Wonders if anyone would notice if he ripped off entire Racial Draft skit, decides to do exact same skit except change all the races to “beaners”.

9:47 A.M. – Masturbates to picture of tacos, decides this would be good idea for 15 minute skit.

10:32 A.M. – Practices stage voices, which range from “gay guy with Mexican accent” to “gay guy with Mexican accent trying to sound like Apu from the Simpsons”.

11:17 A.M. – Goes to Porsche dealership, tries to buy car with pesos.

11:18 A.M. – Is rejected by manager, retaliates by calling manager a “wetback”, asks if manager is offended yet. Manager is white, is not offended.

11:19 A.M. – Runs around dealership calling all the employees and customers “beaners”. Cackles maniaclly and declares self to be “bad boy of comedy”.

11:20 A.M. – Mitch Hedberg rises from dead, pimp slaps Mencia for disgracing name of comedians.

12:29 P.M. – Goes to Home Depot, disappointed to find no Mexicans standing outside. Realizes he will have no material for the next 5 shows.

12:54 P.M. – Goes for donkey ride with retarded uncle, retarded cousin, other (also retarded) members of extended Mencia family.

1:04 P.M. – Calls uncle a “beaner”, interjects Spanish into English sentence, does Downs Syndrome impression, claims to be “telling it like it is”.

1:05 P.M. – Donkey kicks Mencia in head, unfortunately giant novelty sombero cushions blow, Mencia loses 4 of 5 remaining brain cells.

2:12 P.M. – Basks in glow of own douche-baggery.

3:39 P.M. – Thinks about writing original jokes, decides to use all Chappelle’smaterialand change n***** to “beaner”, is certain that this will offend people.

4:46 P.M. – Starts work on music video parody of “This Is Why I’m Hot”, changes word “hot” to “a wetback”, repeats phrase for next 3 minutes, calls it a day.

5:20 P.M. – Contemplates merging his show with Sarah Silverman’s to create television programming that is actually capable of attracting negative numbers of viewers.

6:09 P.M. – Decides to throw a party, asks butler to invite all his friends.

7:57 P.M. – Drunken uncle shows up on a donkey, fires cap gun into air, calls Carlos “essay”, plays mariachi music while performing the Mexican Hat Dance.

7:58 P.M. – Carlos decides this would be great idea for hourlong special, makes mental note to have “wetback” flashing in big neon lights on TV screen, is certain this will offend millions.

8:00 P.M. – No one else shows up to the party.

8:32 P.M. – Stands in front of mirror and practices “dee-dee-deeeee”. Uncanny resemblence to real retard.

8:33 P.M. – Realizes he is an unfunny pole-smoker who writes lame, repetitive, unoriginal jokes that are not offensive or edgy, merely obnoxious. Also realizes he only got a show because Comedy Central was aiming at Hispanic audience and didn’t realize Gabriel Iglesias wasn’t Hawaiian.

8:34 P.M. – Comes to terms with revelations, takes treasure bath in giant room of undeserved money from terrible show, a la Scrooge McDuck.

9:00 P.M. – Smote by the vengeful hand of God.

9:01 P.M. – Stock in Comedy Central soars by 10,000%.