This country is ridiculously fascinated with celebrities and I'm ridiculously fascinated with people being fascinated in me. That said, here are the 11 celebreality shows I'd totally be on if I were a celebrity. After this listis complete and you see my reasons for all these, you'll wish more than ever that I never end up becoming a celebrity.
Before you start in with the "sell-out", "yuppy", "snob"chants, let me reassure you that not all people on Cribs have 18,000 sq. ft. mansions. Some have normal houses, apartments, just a room, Chris Pontius even did one with just his car. But, at the same time, I would hope to be a celebrity with enough cool shit to show off. Hopefully, I'd have a pool with a waterfall where a rap video to be featured on BET Uncut would be being filmed concurrently with my Cribs taping. I wouldn't have a stripper pole in my house though .I'd have a stripper pole in EVERY ROOM IN MY HOUSE. Some of them would double as fire poles for transportation to other floors. These poles wouldn't be so much for random party girls at my place as they would be for me to just straddle and sit on like a pre-boner getting Mike used to do at parks, recesses and during P.E. I would look forward to the opportunity to show my bed so I can say "this is where alllll the magic happens " like every other lame celebrity that's ever been on Cribs since its inception. I can then make a quick fix by making lame jokes like "no seriously, I perform magic acts in my bed, mostly card tricks but I think I'm going to discontinue those shows because a tiger mauled me in my own bed the other night and while it was pretty hot, I'm still feeling the pain." Then they always want to see what's in the fridge. Why no celebrity has used this opportunityfor awesome practical jokes is beyond me. They have the funds (most of them) to pull some elaborate shit. Example, I'd buy a replica of some obscure celebrity's head and put it in my freezer as though I decapitated them myself, or I'd claim it was a gift from a related celebrity. Example "This is x, y gave it to me as a birthday gift", x could be William Shatner, Moby, Paris Hilton and y could be Leonard Nemoy, Eminem, or anyone in Hollywood. Then I'd show them my "whips", and if you're thinking I'd make lame Indiana Jones references and show them actual whips then you're getting to know me all too well. Then comes the part where every celebrity kicks MTV off their property and usually they're pretty rude about it. Not me, I will beg MTV to stay under the guise that I believe this is just the pilot in my own reality series and I'll wonder why they're leaving after only a day of taping. How much you want to bet my Cribs episode wouldn't even air?
10. Hogan Knows Best/Run's House/Meet the Barkers/Gene Simmon's Family Jewels
These shows are lumped together because the formula for all of them is the same. Former badass in some arena of entertainment is shown years later with his family man status and we're introduced to the poor souls that have to endure these people on the day-to-day. Maybe endure is the wrong word, not all these guys are douchebags. Being in one of these shows would at least confirm that I was at one time a badass in some form, even if I was no longer a badass at the time the shows tape, at least I will have been reminded that I used to be cool. Also, you can meet my wife, maybe she's hot maybe she's not. But, obviously if I have an embarassing wife, the show's not happening. Then you'll meet my kids, I'll probably have a hot daughter because God hates me and that is required by the formula of these shows. My son will be dorky in one way or another; that has nothing to do with anything formulaic it's just that if I'm raising him then it's inevitable. Welcome to my family's home!
I don't want to do this so I can meet Ashton Kutcher. I want to do this so I can fight Ashton Kutcher. He comes out with his camera crew and I just roundhouse kick him and his crew like they were shitty ninjas in a Chuck Norris movie attacking me one by one. Except they're not attacking me at all, except with laughter and that's unforgiveable.
08. Celebrity Poker
This is another opportunity to make lame jokes like "I'm holding a Joker and an instruction card, do I go all-in here?" If you don't believe this kind of thing happens, tune into an episode and watch all the washed up comedians say shit like this. One exception I can think of is Michael Ian Black, he'll be clever and there may be others but for the most part, the comedians that end up on that show make me want to terrorize metropolitan cities. As for the actors, they're usually funnier and more charismatic than the comedians. No matter what level of success I have on the show, I'll get hammered. If I do well, I'll stay at the table and drink and talk shit because a drunkard is beating you at poker. If I go to the loser's lounge, I'm getting drinks so I can hang out with the waitresses and yell obscenities about the players' decisions who are still left at the table. It's all gold. Then, I'd end up trying to fight whichever Phil was the resident 'poker expert' for that episode.
07. Behind the Music/E! True Hollywood Story/Breaking Bonaduce/Shooting Sizemore, etc.
No one ever wants to be on these shows. But, it'd be fun living the material for it.
06. Celebrity Fit Club
Celebrities are such bitches.I'd kick all their chubby asses. I'd gorge myself to gain weight just to handicap myself and make it fair for everyone else. Because, I'm winning that shit because I'm superhuman, ask my mom.
05. Rock N Jock B-Ball Jam
One of the two original "celebreality" shows ever from MTV. I suck at basketball, but I'd definitely flagrantly foul people and turn it into 5th grade jungle ball. NBA stars would get pissed at me and I'd jumpslap them in the face and get my ass kicked by some rapper who's better than the NBA star I just slapped. Then I'd fuck with the middle of the road Hip-Hop act's half-time performance. I'd bogart a mic and start beatboxing because let's face it, it'd add some musical integriy and song structure, this can be truthfully applied to any half-time performance in Rock 'N' Jock history.
04. Dancing With the Stars
I'm an amazing dancer, especially when I've had my "dance juice" or as the common man knows it, "alcohol". Also, I'd definitely make inappropriate advances at whoever my hot pro dance partner was, but this would also only come after I had my "dance juice".
03. Rock N Jock Softball Challenge
Now, I AM good at softball, so this one is double the fun. I'd do that awkward company picnic manuever where instead of tagging a hot girl that gets caught in a rundown between first and second you straight bear hug her as though she loves that kind of thing. But in this cameras are on and she pretty much has to pretend she knows and loves you, lest she look like a bitch to all of the MTV viewers. Also, these are never Meryl Streep types, these are always hot models that would not dream of doing anything to jeopardize their young entertainment careers. Thank you, MTV. I'd also take a major league pitcher deep and talk legitimate shit as I trotted the bases. Especially, if they played for a team I didn't care for. Delusion rules.
02. Celebrity Rap Superstar
This was real close to being number one. I was totally inspired by Shar Jackson who was amazing. What the hell is she doing acting? I've never seen her act but she was on a show on UPN, who I can only assume calls casting directors and asks for them if they recall who the worst black actors/actresses to ever audition for them were. Once they find this information, they call the actors up and put them on a show with an annoying R&B singer or whitewashed rapper. But, Shar definitely did Twista flawlessly, that's not easy. There's no jokes here. It was impressive. At the same time, what fucking idiots they had on the show at the same time. Jason Wahler performed his songs like he never heard them before and just started scatting to them. Efrem Ramirez sounded like your older brother making fun of whatever song you were listening to but he was serious this made him sound mentally challenged. Jamal Anderson was actually decent but no one remembered him from his one Super Bowl season with the Falcons. Kendra was just a body, but if you actually listened to her pretty painful. There are so many songs I'd love to surprise people with because I'm pretty amazing, learn about me.
01. Rock of Love/Flavor of Love/I Love New York/A Shot at Love/The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, etc.
50 hot, vapid girls vying for the chance to get sexual with you just because you're famous. Throw in the spirit of competition to cancel out them not wanting to hook up with if they find out you're an asshole and you have a formula for the luckiest bastard ever. As if celebrities needed help getting ass VH1, MTV, ABC, NBC and probably CBS just give these fucks shows that put the 50 best-looking stalkers in one house for them so they can find them even easier. Then they get to weed all these psychos out until they find the one that they'll have the most sex with until the show ends and its confirmed that the winner was just the best obsessed fan and/or most competitive. Celebrities are crazy if they think they'll find true love this way, but let's be honest that's not what they're looking for. Bring on the whores.