Phrases I Hope Aren't In My (Auto)Biography

“What was even more heart-breaking than being told by my parents that I was adopted was the fact that my birth parents were Siegfried and Roy.”

“I was only on the View for two years before they realized I wasn’t a woman.”

“I didn’t make the babies fight each other, they were just itchin’ to fight. But the cops disagreed and so Baby Fights™ was shut down forever.”

“I never thought I would be lucky enough to be flippin’ burgers at the McDonalds – for a living!”

“Unfortunately, after several years of med school and my own private practice, I realized that being a dentist didn’t attract as many bitches and hoes as I thought it would.”

“Disappointment, regret, and shame sunk in when America realized I was the person in the ‘Leave Britney Alone!’ video.”

“Global warming was way better than global colding. Global cooling. So cold.”

“I always knew my life would be taken away from me by the King from Burger King in an unbearable act of torture, him smiling the whole time, me crying; I just never knew when it would come.”