When in the Course of Human events it becomes necessary for a people to dissolve the negative bands which have connected them with one another and to assume the powers of the alcohol, the bound and equal station to which the God of Drinking entitles them, and have a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requiring that they should put aside deama and live in the moment.
We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights, which among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of drunkenness. To secure these rights, this Declaration is instituted among men, deriving its powers from the consent of the governed. Whenever this declaration becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the partygoers to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to affect their safety and happiness. He who breaks or neglects the following Declaration laws, which are most wholesome and necessary for the public good, is subject to the will of the governed.
1. Professing speech in the accents of foreign peoples (The Gehrling Amendment)
2. Spewing innards about without warning (The Hauber-Smith Amendment)
3. Removing pants outside of a closed room, particularly in doorways (The Gallagher Amendment)
4. Eating more than 10 White Castle slyders in one sitting (The Perry Amendment)
5. Flinging clothes around the room while howling like a savage (The Lag Amendment)
6. Passing out on stairs, under dumpsters, on the floor, or any uncommon place of rest prior to 3 A.M. (The Welch Amendment)
7. Sleeping in the bed of the parents of the household (The McHale Amendment)
8. Throwing pinecones or other flammable objects into the fireplace (The Longo Amendment)
9. Harboring intense hatred for and/or picking fights with electronic devices (The Merten Amendment)
10. Insisting that the disc jockey play that techno song she really likes, then dancing around suggestively and inappropriately (The Reidy-Williams Amendment)
11. Spitting more that 8 fluid ounces of game in a night (The Mari Amendment)
12. Touching, hugging, snuggling, or cuddling with girls at a rate of over 4 GPH (Girls per Hour) (The Juarez Amendment)
13. Failing to abide by any of the unsaid rules in the Articles of Intoxication
I, therefore, the Representative of the United House of Merten, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good People of this house, solemnly publish and declare this Declaration of Gin Dependence. As free and independent states, the governed have full power to consume alcohol, preserve peace, construct alliances, renew friendships, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm alliance to the protection of ourselves, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, our Honor, and our Sacred Friendships.
Tommy Welch, November 7th, 2007