Top Ten Lessons from Mario

Mario has taught us valuable lessons that our parents were too negligent or drunk to teach us. Here are ten of them in no particular order.

1. If you ever find a pipe in the middle of nowhere, go down it — there could be money.
2. Turtles are merely the pawns of rape-enthusiast radicals, and therefore deserve to be stomped on.
   
3. The only way to get items out of a concrete box is to jump up and slam the top of your head on it. Repeat if necessary.
   
4. If you’re looking for a princess, she’ll always be in the last castle you look in.
5. Don’t be too impressed if you see a flying pirate ship — sure it’s flying, but the best defense mechanism it has is the sporadic shooting of bullets.
   
6. Don’t worry about the chain part of a ball and chain, it can’t hurt you if you stand close enough to it.
7. Playing a flute doesn’t have to be gay if it can transport you somewhere else.
8. Dinosaurs want to be ridden on and enjoy the occasional punch to the back of the head.
   
9. If you find a red or green mushroom, eat it. No questions asked. Just don’t pay over $40 an ounce for it.
10. The beautiful girl you help save isn’t interested in you — she’s fucking your shorter, fatter brother.