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Paul Frank

Unicorp, Inc.'s Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

by Paul Frank on

What is Unicorp?
Unicorp is a heteronational company dedicated to its impressive goals, implementation of tasks to promote betterment, and a commnunity-based work ethic.



Yeah, but what kind of company is it?
I’m sorry, you’re really gonna have to speak up.



But…I’m typing.
Not loud enough.



Plus, you made me up. I exist in a parallel universe where you control every thought and action of mine. You are me and I are you. I have no free thought process other than yours. The nice thing about that is thatI never have to go to the bathroom. The bad part is that I can’t speak out against you, since I am you, and also I’ m usually very lonely.
…



If I gave you a $1, would you be less vague?
You’re so vain. I bet you think this song is about you. Don’t you? Oh, you said ‘vague.’



Does Unicorp pride itself on being committed to nondiscrimination?
Yes. N**gers, chinks, Jews, Nazis, and Cauc-Asians are all allowed to stand behind our pristine silver fence and gaze in at our wondrous facility. All special ethnic groups can apply at our equal-opportunity website application system, http://www.tubgirl.com.

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Whiny inmate

I worked at a prison as a corrections officer (prison guard) and there was a particular inmate there who always complained about everything. For three months I endured his rants on how the lights were too bright, the rooms too hot, the blankets too scratchy, and so on. Obviously this is prison and no one gets luxury accommodations. I reached the end of my rope one morning... Read More » when I had to go down the run and wake him up at 7 AM for transport somewhere else in the state for a medical procedure. The guy is all grumpy, complaining about how I'm getting him up at the "ass crack of dawn." He demanded to be allowed time to take a shower, heat and drink some coffee and have a smoke. The van taking him away was already waiting for him and I knew for a fact that he'd taken a shower before going to bed the night before. I told him there wasn't time for any of that, he just had to get dressed and get to the van. He begins swearing and ranting about how inhumanely we were treating him and after months of his complaints I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I know, it sucks how early you have to get up to get your free medical care, huh?" I told him. He was immediately silent . He got dressed and left in a huff. I later found out how he wrote a grievance to the warden about my comment. Inmate complaints are occasionally reason for worry, so I was nervous when the warden called me in to his office. It turned out he just thought my comment was hilarious and told me to keep up the good work.