Top 5 Manly Holidays

The so-called “Holiday Season” is upon us, which means lots of baking and shopping and visiting relatives, which is great… if you’re a woman. But fear not men, there are some holidays that were invented with us in mind!

5. Labor Day
Pros: The sole purpose of this ironically-named holiday is to give us an extra Monday off to grill and maybe go down the shore.

Cons: Signals the end of summer and thus the end of wife beater season. There’s nothing really special about it, either; if Labor Day is the name given to a Monday where you don’t go to work, then I observe Labor Day on a monthly basis. Similar to its cousin, Memorial Day. Also, it may force you to spend more time with kids.

4. St. Patrick’s Day
Pros: A religious observance that has evolved into a Guinness-swilling, Blarney Stone-kissing extravaganza. Drinking in the morning and in public are encouraged. Perhaps the only day of the year where “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” actually works.

Cons: Traditional wearin’ of the green forces you to look through your wardrobe while getting dressed (make sure your balls don’t get lost in there while you’re looking). And not everyone loves an Irish girl, especially if your shirt can’t hold your muffin top.

3. Super Sunday
Pros: It’s a holiday built around football and big screen TVs, if that doesn’t sell it I don’t know what will.

Cons: You might have to watch the Patriots and/or Cowboys win. Falls on a Sunday, which would be a day off anyway (Roger Goodell, if you’re reading this I have two words for you: Super Wednesday).

2. Independence Day (USA)
Pros: All the grilling, baseball, and time off from work that Labor Day offers, but with guns and fireworks!

Cons: It’s usually really hot out, so naturally your family will want to do something outside, where you will sweat off the hard-earned pounds you put on over the winter (see #1 below).

1. Thanksgiving
Pros: Everything. A midweek holiday where men across America sit on their ass, eat, and watch football while the women gather in the kitchen and the kids beat each other up. No gift-giving, only thanks-giving; today, it really is the thought that counts. There’s no dressing up or singing or commercial characters attached, so sit back and enjoy!

Cons: You have to wake up early the next day so you can take advantage of all the fabulous Black Friday sales. (Just kidding, that’s woman’s work.)