Honey, Do You Want A Beer?

At some point in college your mom will say, “Honey, do you want a beer?”

Act cool; this is not a trap. Don’t do anything too rash. You don’t want to shotgun the can and smash it on your forehead, and you don’t want to place a citizen’s arrest on your own mother for dispensing alcohol to minors. Just sit back and relax, enjoy some drinks with your parents. The first time you drink on your parents’ dime is a wonderful, intoxicating experience, so don’t let their little rules about drinking anger you. Ninety-four percent of mothers don’t allow you to drive after you’ve been drinking. Under normal circumstances, this is a pretty solid policy, but for a mother, the period known as “after you’ve been drinking” is ninety-six hours or fourteen episodes of urination, whichever comes last.

One last thing: getting drunk on your parents’ dime has its downside. As the old saying goes, “En vino veritas,” which is Latin for, “After she has three wine coolers, you’re going to hear about Mom’s miscarriage.”