Your First Thanksgiving Home

Thanksgiving break your freshman year is your first opportunity to impress your family after being at college. Do not blow it. Here are some surefire tips that will have Grandma saying, “Oh my!”

- Ride your motorcycle into the living room without opening the front door. Your family will be impressed by your reckless disregard for authority. Then spell your name with tire marks on the carpet, toss the helmet to your mom, and ask her, “What’s for dinner, lady?”

- Tell your dad you made him a bookmark for Father’s Day. Then give him a picture of you banging two girls. Tell him the way it works is that you put that picture in between the pages where you stopped reading.

- If a relative asks you how college is going so far, open your mouth and respond in a single tone, as if you are singing. Hold that note for three minutes. If the relative tells you, “I don’t get it,” respond with a casual, “You wouldn’t.”

- Eat the whole turkey. And we’re not talking about being a wussy and eating it piece by piece. We’re talking about unhinging your jaw and swallowing it whole before your dad even gets to carving it. If your family asks where you learned that, say, “Math 1B.” For dessert, eat your uncle.

- As the meal draws to a close, ask your mom if there will be any strippers attending the after-party. When they do come, don’t act so surprised. You’re in college now.