We know that there may be a few Thanksgiving purists out there who’ll cry “Sacrilege!” at the title of this article, and to those fascists we apologize. The thing about Thanksgiving is that every year we’re fed the same dry, grainy, grayish semi-bird meat, and we never really know why. Turkey is probably the worst meat you can eat when it’s not stuffed between two slices of Wonderbread and slathered with mayonnaise. It’s just terrible.
Realistically, there are better things a man can eat on Thanksgiving. Burger King, for instance. But we’re not advocating the use of heart-killing cholesterol. We just want everyone to know that, if it’s up to you, you don’t have to choke down another ounce of disgusting turkey this year. Here are five real dinners that rock, and don’t contain a single drop of turkey.
5) Chicken. Yes, we realize you could eat chicken any night of the week. We also know that you probably do. But the colonel’s secret recipe doesn’t hold a candle to some of the creative shit you can do with a chicken. You can slow-roast it in the oven and baste it with pork fat. You can cram peppers and garlic in its ass, wrap it in tin foil, and throw it on the barbecue pit. You can shred that shit and make chicken spaghetti. The list is endless, and you can never go wrong. It takes one hell of a moron to mess up a chicken dinner.
4) Ham. Hey, we know you probably already have ham on Thanksgiving, and that it gets demolished while the turkey just sits there getting drier and more full of hate. But what you’re forgetting is the versatility of ham. You could cook an entire ham-based meal and not have any one thing taste like any of the others. Just buy two hams, and get to work.
3) Duck. No, it’s not just for Christmas and it’s nowhere near as hard to deal with as turkey. A duck is about as hard to cook as Shannon Elizabeth is to get naked on camera. Basically, you just have to show up. Duck l’orange, roasted duck, and foie gras, or duck liver, which is a hell of a lot cheaper if you kill the duck yourself. If you have any qualms about killing a duck because you may have seen a cute little fuzzy duckling once upon a time, consider this: it isn’t turkey.
2) Lamb. Hell. Fucking. Yes. You just can’t go wrong with a rack of lamb. It isn’t possible. Even for your soft-hearted girlfriend, one taste of this meat will turn her into an all-out carnivore. If you’re a dumbass who can’t figure out things like “serving cuts”, have a butcher do it for you. They’re sick bastards, those butchers. Also, bonus points for being able to quote Anthony Hopkins from Silence of the Lambs all throughout the day:
You: Won’t you tell me when the lambs stop screaming, Clarice?
1) Beef. Like you didn’t see this one coming. It’s as American as beef-filled apple pie at a baseball game played by Marlboro-smoking Texans. Like the ham, beef can be used in every cooking capacity known to man. You can even drink beef, apparently.
Think about this: turkey and dressing, or barbecued brisket with a top sirloin side, and beef tips over rice for dessert. Yeah, it really is that easy.
10 Ways to Make the Internet Better
Winter Pick-Up Lines
The Absolute Worst Case Scenario Handbook: Holiday Shopping Edition
What Everyone in Your Family is Bringing for Thanksgiving
Pop-Up Notifications in Real Life
iPhone Airplane Modes for Other Vehicles
Spending your Valentine's Day on the internet? This will make everything better.
Thoughts on Valentine's Day from people who are paid to be cynical bastards.
The 3D makes this movie look real...ly sucky
Your pet says a lot about you. But then, you have a gossipy parrot.
Guys try to surf without water, and somehow succeed.
Ice T is good, but this time of year it's all about CoCo
Yeah! And why did Microsoft make Bing when they can just use Google?
Valentine's Day was simpler back then. And creepier.
Hey! Get your real world out of my internet!
These guys are getting called out by the reeferee.
