An Open Letter to the Writers' Guild of America

Dear WGA,

As a loyal T.V. fan for the last 23 years of my life, I have to say that this current strike really annoys me. I understand that you feel slighted by your executives at your respective networks, and that you feel you should be compensated for your online “webisodes” or “promotions.” But you should all just consider these non-payments as retroactive punishments for the series finale of “Seinfeld.” Also, where is the loyalty to me? To us, the loyal viewing public? If it wasn’t for us and the ratings we provide when you actually get something right, you guys would be sitting on your asses in your mothers’ houses trying to come up with a storyline for “Big Momma’s House 3” or “Gigli: The Reckoning.”

(And for the love of God, please don’t take that “Big Momma” sentence as a suggestion as to how to spend your current time off. With the Iraq war, our deflating currency, and Britney’s failed comeback, our country can only take so much.)

Now, all youhave left uswith are reality shows that even the former cast of the “Real World” would think twice about beforewhoring themselves out(I’m looking at you, Coral) – and the news. The news. And I’m not talking about fake news. I’m not eventalking aboutChris Hansen-busting-up-some-pedosnews. I’m talking about the real, depressing stuff. Brian Williams stuff. At times (once I’ve gone temporarily blind from watching girls dance to Soulja Boy on You Tube), I’ve felt the strong urge to put on C-SPAN to watch the British Parliament members scream at each other just to get a “Springer”-esque TV high (hey, it’s still better than watching “The View”). But forcing me to think about what is going on around me… you should all be ashamed of yourselves. And just so you know, we all don’t have Showtime or HBO to find salvation – we’re not all millionaire fat-cats like yourselves.

Another thing: Where is my compensation when I inevitably watch one of the innumerable pieces of garbage your brains concoct, spurred on by the barrage of promotions and advertisements your companies DO pay for? Can I get my time back? No. Can I get back those brain cells which your cheezy dialogue and lame plot lines so unmercifully destroyed? Not at all. Isn’t someone going to step in and stop the madness – i.e. continuing to nominate Charlie Sheen and the cast of “Two anda Half Men” for “Best Comedic Actor” and “Best Comedy” Emmys? One can only half-heartedly pray for such an outcome. My only true hopeis that Sheen is busted by Congress for taking performance-enhancing supplements, but that brings up another dilemma: can one really call what he does on that show an “enhanced performance”?

(And a quick reminder to anyone that likes “Two and a Half Men”: It is probably time to head to the early bird special at Denny’s. You don’t want to be late.Oh, and don’t forget to change your colostomy bag – gotta make room for the omelettes. And lastly, get off of a website called “College Humor” – it’s clear that yourAlzheimer’s has led you to forget about the meaning of both.)

So why can’t we all come to a compromise: If you feel that you should be monetarily rewarded for coming up with a successful idea, then shouldn’t you give back some of the money you received when you come up with a script that even a deaf-mute would awkwardly rip in two? Because for every “Wire,” “Arrested Development,” “The Office” and “Dexter” you guys bang out, there area near-infinite number ofhorse excrement parading around on the air-waves as sitcoms and dramas. “Cavemen” anyone? “Big Shots”? The first few episodes of “Lost: Season 3”? “__________________”, starring Jerry O’Connell? (Ok, that last one was a bit of a low blow. But he has sex with chicks I can’t get in my wet dreams. So I think he’ll get over it).

In conclusion, hurry up and come to an agreement with your execs. My brain is starting to hurt from all of this reading that my teachers and parents suggested that I do, and I’m getting increasinglyantsy to see if Jim and Pam make it. Because if those two imaginary people can’t make it in this dog-eat-dog world, I don’t know what two imaginary people can.

Sincerely,

A devoted fan

PS – With your time off, if you wouldn’t mind writing some new episodes of “Arrested Development” – I will rescind this letter with my deepest condolences.