Favorite Facebook Apps: Volume I

I’ve been getting a lot of flack recently from professors regarding my lack of attendance. Even my friends have been claiming I don’t hang out with them as much. They’re jealous. They don’t have the newest Facebook Applications. If you haven’t ever had a TV Trivia Invitation or, worse, a Zombies Invitation, Facebook Applications are small widgets that can be added to one’s Facebook profile. There are currently 6,991 of them. They can have a useful functionality or serve no purpose but to customize one’s profile. Here are three of my personal favorites that have apparently been keeping millions of grown adults busy.

“WATER FIGHT!”

Let me be candid: I love water…drinking it, playing with it, boiling it for my noodles—it’s all a big happy water party in my book. But what’s better than real water? You guessed it. Fake water!!! Except, let’s go ahead and ignore that the water is “fake” for fear that we might look kind of lame getting involved with virtual water fights that amount to clicking.

This application’s tagline says it all: “Shoot your best friend in the face with a squirt pistol or dump a bucket of water over your boss’s head!” That’s right kiddos! Why take a REAL “squirt pistol” with you to class when you can “soak” all of your friends with an 80×60 pixel Super-Soaker that appears next to a message reading “You’ve been soaked…?”

Mad at your boss? Assuming he’s even hip enough to have a Facebook account, he’ll probably have you working Saturdays when he’s inconvenienced by a “WATER FIGHT” invitation sent by his least favorite employee. Perhaps this application’s problems can be expressed in this complaint from one of WATER FIGHT’s active users:

Albert says, “My friend shot me with a water bottle but in my profile it says that he shot me with garden hose. My profile also says he wasn’t the one who shot me. I shot him with holy water but his profile says that I shot him with water balloon. There is something wrong.” Yes, Albert, there is something wrong. You need a girlfriend or a real water hose sprayed on you, whichever comes first.

“What’s Your Stripper Name?”

Finally! A useful application that I can use on a day-to-day—okay, well, maybe just once. But really, Markus Weichselbaum (or Mecki Wunderschlong when he’s on the pole), was really on point when he made this random name generator. The application houses such classics as “Jaime Firecream,” “Harry Boldbone” and “Xena Jellycheeks.” Hell, it may as well be a strip club, giving you that instant, one time satisfaction you can’t find anywhere else. Except, you’re not in a rancid run-down club in the middle of Tijuana and there aren’t pimps with shotguns lining the walls, staring at you with an unforgiving gaze. Ah, the wonders of the Internet.

Perks for this application, besides having an awesome new stripper name:

♥ Now with male stripper names!
♥ Customize and pimp your stripper name with Glitter!
♥ Rate your friends’ stripper names!

And yes, I did download this application. I don’t like to brag about my name, but you can find it next to my phone number…in Woodburn Hall’s main bathroom…

“Make a Baby”

Gee, it’s a good thing the creators of this application thought through its title so as not to mistakenly demand millions of adolescents to fornicate immediately. Oh, well. The tagline is unmatched in its sincerity: “Make babies with your friends! Fill in your hair color, eye color, etc. and see if your baby gets those looks. You can also create a personal baby of your very own or adopt someone else’s. Hug, cuddle, spank and tickle babies. Pick your favorite baby and show it off on your profile.”

Hopefully, the idea that people can “create a personal baby” of their own isn’t anything new to users. Really though, this application has had some useful feedback; women who can’t produce children with their loved ones and cannot handle the responsibility of adoption now have a thoughtful alternative. This testimonial is a bit disturbing, though:

Ella says, “This is a great way for couples who cant have kids or adopt to play the proud parent without having to bring a child into this god forsaken world….but we use it because I cannot give him a child and we cant afford to adopt…cant wait to make our baby on this app when he gets home from work tonight.”