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105%-O-Matic

105% issue #39

by 105%-O-Matic on

105%

Refrigerate after opening to keep jokes fresh

Sneeze Replies More Zealous Than “God Bless You”
- Jehovah bless you.
- May Allah absolve your nasal passages of all foreign intruders.
- Gesundheit… oh great and powerful Gezundheit! Purify thine sinuses with your mighty hammer!!!
– Patrick Cassels
Racist Who Just Doesn’t Get It
What’s the deal with Black Friday? Didn’t we already give them a whole month?
– Jeff Rubin
Guy Who Thinks October is Shopper Appreciation Month
What’s the deal with Black Friday? Didn’t we already give them a whole month?
– Amir Blumenfeld
Moregasm (n. – more-gaz-im) – The euphoric bliss that comes with discovering that there are more of a given food item previously thought to be all eaten. Example: “I had a moregasm when I found out there were more crescent rolls.”
– Streeter Seidell
My friend shared bad news with me over AIM recently, using emoticons – I thought that was really immature. She used a miscarriagey face.
– Dan Gurewitch
Benjamin Franklin After Getting Dumped
In this world nothing is certain but death, taxes, and women are bitches.
– Rei Estrada
One man’s junk is another man’s penis.
– Tom Sunnergren
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My freshman year of college, my ginger roommate bought some alcohol before he went home one weekend. When he left, my friends on my floor and I emptied his clear raspberry vodka into another bottle and replaced it with salt water (so that it wouldn't freeze) and put it back in the freezer. A week or two later, he and his friends were sitting around our room, drinking salt... Read More » water, and acting drunk. He even noted that he could "really taste the raspberry." The look on their faces when we told them that it was salt-water was priceless...and I'm sure the placebo effect immediately wore off!