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Jeff Rosenberg

20 Years 3 Months

by Jeff Rosenberg on

What do you mean you won’t let me in? Are you being serious? Is this a joke? Where’s the hidden camera? Of course I’m 21, why else would I try to get into this bar showing my real I.D.?

Well no, I don’t think YOU understand. 9 months until I’m 21 and I can come back? I don’t think we’re on the same page here, brother. It’s okay, I had a black friend in high school. Do you really think I’d try and pull a fast one on you? I know you look like half a retard but I’m pretty sure you can do your job.

The thing is I was in the womb for 9 months, so technically, I am 21. And I don’t think even you could argue with this reasoning. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? So you’re for abortions? Against? Ok, then you’re pro-life, not pro-choice, you had them mixed up I think.

So then you agree that even when I was an embryo in the womb I had my little heart beating, so technically I was alive. See what I’m doing here? I’m changing your mind. I can see you’re slowly understanding what I’m talking about. We’re on the same page.

So if you’ll just move out of the way I can walk into this bar and start “hollerin’ at some biddies” if you catch my drift. So move. Have your fat melon head tell your fat pear-shaped body to shuffle or waddle to the side. No?

Please, c’mon my girlfriend’s in there. She’s not even 20 and you let her in. You let in a 19-year-old. I could have you arrested for that. Just kidding. But I might if you don’t let me in.

20 bucks? Cool.

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It's a vase

I used to work night shift manufacturing in small town Nebraska. After work, I went home and bummed around a bit, when my roommate and I realized we were hungry for some greasy food. Everything is shut down except a 24 truck stop about 20 minutes away. We head out, and half way there we see lights flashing in the rear. He wasn't speeding so we had no idea why we were... Read More » getting pulled over (turns out it was a burnt out tail light). The cop comes up, sees two mid twenties guys wearing huddies, and when he asked us where we were going answered him that we were going to the truck stop because we had the munchies. 45 minutes go by and we hear a dog sniffing the car, barking at the trunk. I look at my friend and say "Your not sending me to jail man!", "No, I clean, really." Sweet is poring down our face when the officer says, "Both of you step out of the car NOW." We comply, and 5 officers search every inch of the two of us. Then they search his trunk, "SIR, ARE THESE YOUR WEAPONS?", My friend answers, "That's my key chain pocket knife, I forgot it was in there." The offices disregards it than spits back "WHATS THIS?!?" My friend squeaked out "That's a vase sir." Much to their disappointment, we were clean, and they let us go. I still chuckle when I go back to visit and see his vase.