I’m not even mad, that’s the thing. I’m confused. What drives a person, or group of people (I don’t know who you are), to run around Smith Hall and kick/pound on my door at 3 o’clock in the morning? Is it the satisfaction that you receive knowing you probably wake me up? I do wake up, every single time, if that makes you feel better (seriously). Is it the thrill you get from committing random acts of douche-baggery? I know it’s probably the only thrill you’ve gotten in life, as you have obviously do not have a hobby/girlfriend/life. Excuse me, you do have a hobby; after you bang on my door you go to your room, curl up in your bed, and masturbate to pictures of men touching each other. At least you’re mom sends me pictures I can masturbate to. Or is it the simple fact that you just don’t like me, for whatever reason? I know you feel like you can’t take it up with me like a man and you have to take the coward’s way out of your problems – just like you’ve done in every aspect of life. I bet you feel like you really “got me” when you bang on my door and run away. Yea, you really stuck it to me. “Damn you faceless douchebag who I’ve never met!” Maybe there is some motivation behind your actions that I cannot think of, and, if there is, please write it on this sheet of paper. I know you and you’re friends probably just get a kick of knocking on people’s door late at night, it’s just a mindless juvenile recreational activity, that fits right into the category of knocking down people’s mailboxes or tee-peeing someone’s yard. But, seriously now, look deep into your heart and find the motivation for doing this extremely unnecessarily action. Search your soul, look into your inner self, and really find what motivates you. There has to be more than just shits and giggles – trust me, douchebags are very deep, complex people.
It’s been going on for what, well, 5 or 6 weeks now? Every single night, between the ripe hours of 1 to 3 AM. Every single night. OK, I’ll cut you a deal. One night, be it tomorrow or even tonight, instead of running away like little pussies, stay right where you are. I want to meet you guys. I won’t be mad, I promise. I will not cuss you out, take revenge, or beat you mercilessly to death with guitar hero controllers (all things that I’ve thought about doing). Stay right where you are. How about this: instead of being mortal enemies, destined to fight to the death, let’s be friends. I don’t know if you are a group or a single person, but I want to be friends with you. I will open the door and introduce myself to you and say something like, “Hi, I’m Taylor, it’s great to finally meet you. Let’s go not be douchebags!” Of course, we will be friends at this point, so I’ll probably say something less menacing, like “let’s go be friends!”. How about this: I will take all of you out to wingnuts, on me. Get whatever you want, on me. How can you pass that up? Just, between the hours of 1 and 3, bang on my door, stay where you are, and we will have a fun trip to wingnuts.
But, if the next time you do knock and I find no one at my door, I will be camping out on the peephole the next night, waiting to jack the first douche-bag I get my hands on. So, just take the offer listed in the latter paragraph, and have a wonderful evening, my douchebag friends.

Sincerely,
Taylor Daugherty