Here's a handy list of what to and what not to say when meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time.

Just for fun, we'll start with what NOT to say.

• "It's nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Oh, it's Reverend Smith. Well then, bless me Reverend, for I have committed the sin of lust. Heh heh… no sir, I don't think sins are funny."
• "So, Mrs. Smith. Your daughter has your looks. And your body! Umm… no sir, I wasn't hitting on your wife. It was – it was a harmless compliment. Yes sir, I know what the Bible says about coveting thy neighbor's wife."
• "Yeah, so we've been dating for three months. But we've been doing it for four. High five! Oh, Reverend. No, I didn't know you were right behind me. No, umm, you're daughter wouldn't have sex out of marriage. It wasn't with her. I mean – that's not what I mean. Please don't cry, Mrs. Smith."
• "Yes, I'm a Christian. I love that blood of Christ. Heh heh… no sir, I am not an alcoholic. No – please – no, I don't beat your daughter in drunken rages. Yes, I'd be willing to take a drug test. But, uh, I've been hearing things about false positives happening of late."
• "How will I support her? Umm… I'm in a band. Well, I think it's more about what will make me happy, and your daughter supports it. Wait – why are we thinking this? I mean, I might not even marry your daughter. No, I mean – please don't cry again, Mrs. Smith."
• "Oh, did that – did that really come out positive? I didn't – I have no idea how I got alcohol in my system. You know, my roommate – my roommate, he, uh, he might have spiked my drink as a joke. Yes sir, I agree that it's not a funny joke."
• "Oh, I'm sorry, I must have swallowed something weird. No sir, I don't think your wife's cooking is bad. I – I, well, uh, maybe it was a bug. No sir, I don't think your house is disgusting. I really – I really didn't mean it like that."
• "Okay, you know what, that's it. Screw you Reverend Smith. SCREW. YOU. I am sick and tired of this – no, baby, I will NOT calm down. Your dad has been messing with me this entire weekend. Come on baby, let's just go home."
• "What? You're staying here with this guy? I am not overreacting! Okay, well you know what Amy, you know how your roommate Terri and I get along so well? That's because as soon as you go to work, we hop in your bed, take off all our clothes and… no, you know what, I'll leave it to you to figure out."
• "Oh, and by the way, Reverend, your perfect little daughter here smokes. And drinks. And has sex. All. The. Time. I've actually calmed her down quite a bit from the whore she was when I met her."

And here's what you should say.

• Nothing. If you say nothing, they can't judge you.

NOTE: I'd like to dedicate this article to my new girlfriend Terri.