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Mindy Raf

"That Was Me. Sorry. Keep Going! Don't Stop!"

by Mindy Raf on

“Women don’t fart. All women are delicate flowers whose bodies are filled with sweet, feminine chemicals that evaporate that hydrogen sulfide stuff before it reaches their anuses. Women don’t sh*t either. Their reproductive-girl-parts break down their food and send it out their pores smelling like vanilla and lavender. It’s so awesome that women get to go through their whole lives sans flatulence and fecal matter”

I’m positive that’s what the first guy I intimately farted in front of thought. He pulled his tongue out of my mouth and looked at me as if I just took a sh*t on his couch. And after my short-lived, yet trumpeting, sound faded from the air, I looked into his disgusted eyes and said…nothing. He didn’t say anything either. And when he dropped me off at my house later, he kissed me on the cheek.

Don’t be me. Don’t be that naive, shameful, 17 year old girl who ruins her chances of dating a future Jewish doctor. Guy, girl, man, woman, sugar daddy, adulterer, priest, child, it’s always awkward when someone doesn’t know how to handle gas passing during intimacy. Be prepared!

Create a Diversion

Scream out in pleasure/moan loudly before and during the fart to mask the sound. (sometimes a loud sneeze or small coughing fit works during foreplay.)

A split second afterwards, before he has time to realize what happened, scream out “I WANT TO SUCK YOUR COCK!” repeat this loudly until all sounds and smells have ceased.

Already pleasuring him? Depending on your skill level you might already be in the clear, but a quick “I LOVE SUCKING YOUR COCK!” coupled with a nipple shaft rub probably wouldn’t hurt.

Make it Emotional

Say “sorry” and then sheepishly avert your eyes. Then make direct eye contact, slightly smile and say, “it’s just that I feel so close to you, so comfortable around you, like I could do anything.”*

Make it Funny

Start laughing. Don’t stop laughing until he’s laughing too. If he doesn’t start laughing, he doesn’t love you. Revert to a diversion #2.

Reverse the Blame

“Oh my god, my bed/chair/radiator always does that!” LAME. Never do this.

Blaming the other person with a “Gross, was that you?!” is also LAME and will never work.

However, if there are other people around (hot girl/couple from that craigslist ad, camera crew, etc.) reversing the blame is totally acceptable and highly effective.

Speak the Truth

“I told you not to make me tacos”

“That was me. Sorry. Keep going! Don’t stop!”

“It’s okay, my loud ones don’t smell!”

“Don’t worry, that was just my vagina”


*Guys, this will result in lots more sex/serious relationship. Girls, this only works while naked.

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Mindy Raf

Mindy Raf

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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.