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Dan Hopper

Rejected Rock Band Expansion Packs

by Dan Hopper on

The Beets

Songs: “Killer Tofu,” “Mo’ Allowance,” “Where’s My Sock”

Extra Features: Comes with a one-of-a-kind homemade Quail Man Halloween costume. If you put on the costume and yell “Hey everyone, remember Doug?? I do!” you’ll immediately score 900% and groupies in the game (and possibly real life) will take turns blowing you.

Guy Playing Guitar At A Party
Songs: “El Scorcho,” “Wonderwall,” DMB Medley

Extra Features: Guitarist must wink at four chicks per song to pass; Singer gets bonus points for smug, proud knowledge of lyrics.



Papa’s Flaming Dishrag Office Space (College Cover Band)
Songs: “Livin’ On a Prayer,” “Don’t Stop Believin’,” “Livin’ On a Prayer (Reprise)”

Extra Features: By the end of the set, if more than 50% of your crowd consists of non-drinking freshman with nothing else to do on a weekend night, your Xbox explodes.

Kanye West
Songs: “Gold Digger,” “Jesus Walks,” “Crack Music”

Extra Features: All instances of the N word require three times more volume and enunciation than any other lyrics in the game, but they also triple your score. Do you dare go for it?

The Beatles
Songs: “I Wanna Hold Your Hand,” “Yesterday,” “Hey Jude”

Extra Features: Costs seven hundred thousand dollars.





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Dan Hopper

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Orange Squares

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do... Read More » not have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.