The First Annual Dave's Advice for Studying for Finals Spectacular Volume 1

Ah, t’is the season again. No, not fucking Hanukkah or it’s bastardized cousin Chanukkah. T’is the season of finals, those pesky little shits that stand between you and Christmas (yay Jesus and Santa!). Finals can be pretty stressing, but follow these four pieces of advice and you’ll beat the hell out of them.

Why four and not ten? Cause top ten lists are overrated. And since five is half of ten, that makes five overrated too. And most importantly, I’m too drunk to think of five decent pieces of advice.

1. There’s an old saying to keep in mind while studying: “Procrastination is like Masturbation”…I forget how the rest of it goes. But seriously, those are like two of my favorite things. So both are probably a good idea.

2. A lot of people say you should eat healthy meals while studying, as this is the equivalent of brain food. But I’d say that a lot of people are full of shit. Instead of eating healthy, drink malt liquor. Colt 45, preferably. Cause I bet Lando Calrissian never failed a fucking final. And he flew the Millenium Falcon.

3. Don’t go to any review session that your professor may offer. Cause let’s face it, your professor is probably white. And white people are never to be trusted. Ever.

4. When you’re taking a test, I suggest that you trust your gut instead of your head. That’s why I recommend you actually eat and digest your notes rather than reading them. And since you’re eating paper, that technically means you don’t need to wipe when you poop them out.

Follow these four pieces of advice, and you might just obtain a 1.8 average just like me!