Freshman Fifteen

The best part about your first holiday home from college is that everyone will notice how fat you’ve gotten. “Looks like SOMEBODY put on the freshman fifteen,” your drunk and ironically fat-as-hell uncle will say. But calling it the “freshman fifteen” isn’t fair to you, and it isn’t fair to the weight you put on. Each pound you apply to your fattening girth is unique in its own special way. Pound for pound, this is the best breakdown we have to offer:

Pound 1: Welcome Week means free pastries. One pound cake, please.
Pound 2: You mean to tell me this dorm food is all-you-can-eat? No more deciding between onion rings or fries! It’s “and” from here on in!
Pound 3: A free ice cream social to get acquainted with your on-campus association? I’ll get acquainted with these sprinkles, thank you very much.
Pound 4: Oh man, free soda day at this YMCA booth. Don’t mind if I Dew!
Pound 5: $1 Krispy Kreme donuts at that bake sale? Well, it’s for a good cause. Here’s $13-make it a baker’s dozen, my good man.
Pound 6: The thing I love about Cheez-Its is, you can eat several boxes a day and not feelbad about it.
Pound 7: You bet me I can’t eat ten hamburgers in one sitting? You’re on.
Pound 8: Okay, double or nothing.
Pound 9: I’ve heard of the milk gallon challenge before, but not with half-and-half!
Pound 10: $2 Burrito Wednesday is the greatest thing since $3 Burrito Tuesday.
Pound 11: Chocolate milk, chocolate syrup, what’s the difference? I’ll have one glass of each, sir.
Pound 12: Hmmm, doctor says my one-pound tumor is malignant. But what does he know? CHEEZ WHIZ FIGHT!!!!
Pound 13: Another birthday for some kid in the hall? I’m not one to turn down a cupcake . . . or two . . . or nine.
Pound 14: Finals week is so stressful; pass me the cookie dough log. No, the fried one.
Pound 15: Finals week is over! We can finally eat our textbooks!